The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy
by Juliet Norrington
Summary: [DISCONTINUED] BSFA, the school for Sherlockian fanfiction writers, has finally arrived. The MiniHounds of the Baskervilles and Irragulars keep order, while slashers and lusters are given their just deserts. A Miss Cam authorized OFU.
1. And so it begins

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

by Juliet Norrington

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

The celebrated Sherlock Holmes is famous in many ways; the Granada Mystery series, the various movies made over the past century, the Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century cartoon, the line "Elementary, my dear Watson", and, amazingly, from the original cannon written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle at the end of the nineteenth century. Even now, over a hundred years later, Sherlock Holmes is still a household name.

One slightly dark (it was a full moon) and not-so-stormy (but extremely muggy) night millions of people sat down at their computers and attempted to log on to the Internet. Some checked their email, others went in search of cheat sheets or a pre-written essay to hand in at class the next day, others stared at their screen waiting for anyone to sign on to their buddy list so they could annoy them to death, and others banged their heads on their keyboards waiting for their stupid computers to connect to the internet and mutter about how much they hated dial-up.

And yet others went to upload fanfiction to a website known as "Fanfiction Dot Net". Some of these people were Good Fanfiction Writers who obeyed the laws of canon, but others disregarded the rules set down and broke laws at will. They were the Bad Fanfiction Writers, every day causing havoc in the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and the dozens of Official Fanfiction Universities scattered over the Canon Universes.

Leigh Tobias was one of the Bad Fanfiction Writers.

That slightly dark (it was a full moon) and not-so-stormy (but extremely muggy) night, she sat in her darkened dorm room, her eyes blinking to keep the sleep out of them. Her roommate, Summer, was off making her ears bleed at an Anberlin concert that she had attempted to drag Leigh to. Luckily, Leigh had insisted she had "homework" to do and got off the hook. Summer weird her out… who in their right might would hang out with guys who wore girl's jeans?!

So there she was, let off the hook of going to some weird emo show, and FINALLY able to finish her Sherlock Holmes fanfic. Her Sherlock Holmes ROMANCE fanfic. She glanced up from the computer, grinned, and waggled her eyebrows. Glancing back down, she yawned and began typing. This continued on for a while, and there isn't really anything else to note except she spelled a lot of things very badly and had no regard for any kind of grammar rule. Finally, she stopped and reread her work.

Her heroine, Ravyn Emerald Twilight Dusk, had just saved Sherlock Holmes' life by jumping in front of Professor Moriarty's laser beam. Before she died, however, Holmes admitted his love to her, and she died in his arms. Of course, Leigh couldn't just leave Ravyn dead, she'd come back to life in the next chapter, more beautiful and more charming than ever before! Hurrah! Leigh yawned and thought of her character. Ravyn was perfect, with eyes like pools of water, hair of gold, skin of bronze, and a silver, flutelike voice. Quite different from Leigh, whose eyes were a murky brown color, hair was brownish... brown, skin was a mixture of uneven tans and red bug bites, and voice was, well, she'd rather not dwell on that.

She sighed, and signed online. Hurriedly signing in at Fanfiction Dot Net, she attempted to upload her fanfic. (We say "attempted" because at this point her computer is about to make a sharp error noise and tell her that she isn't allowed to upload any more fanfiction because she's a Bad Fanfiction Writer.) Her computer made a whirring sound, and a sharp error noise. Leigh sat up, slightly more awake, and a small box popped up on the screen.

"Error, you have not acquired your Sherlock Holmes Fanfiction Writer's license yet. The chapter could not be uploaded. Please try again after you have acquired your license." Leigh read. (Close enough.) "What the heck?!" She tried again, and the same thing happened. So she tried again, and again, and again, and again as a long string of very ugly words escaped her mouth.

"Well, that's not very fittin' for a lady to say, eh, Commodore?" A voice behind her said suddenly.

"Most definitely not!" another voice replied Leigh jumped and spun around in her blue computer chair. Behind her stood two scruffy-looking urchins dressed in ragged, too-long coats, thin white shirts and long stripped trousers. One wore a faded black three corner hat, and the other's long messy blond hair was tied back with a piece of black cloth. The two strongly reminded her of The Artful Dodger from the musical "Oliver!" she had watched instead of reading the book for her English assignment last week, and both were had devilish grins spread across their faces.

"Aye, are you," the boy in the tri-cornered hat paused, "uh, 'ang on," he jammed his hands in his pockets searching for something. He continued searching while his friend started examining Leigh's homework. "'ere it is," the tri-cornered hat bloke mumbled, pulling out a tattered folder. "Are you Miss Leigh Tobias?" he asked, looking at the top of the folder.

"That's me." Leigh said, yawning again.

"I'm Commodore Lysander, but, ah, that doesn' matter. Anyway. WE'RE," he elbowed the blond boy, who jumped and straightened up, "'ere to inform you that you 'ave 'ficially been 'cepted into the Baker Street Fanfiction 'cademy." He bowed and handed her the folder.

"But what if I don't want to go to the… academy?" Leigh asked. Commodore Lysander and Sir Percival looked at each other and grinned.

"Well, I'm sure you're gonna wanna go, so we don needta talk 'bout that," Sir Percival said, "Please fill out this… thing, am' send it in straight away to Miss Juliet."

Leigh yawned shook her head. "I've finally cracked, haven't I?" she asked slowly. (Well, yes, it IS the full moon, you know.) "What's with this Sherlock Holmes Fanfiction Writer's License?"

"Oh, yeah, that's why you're goin' to the 'cademy, to get your license."

"Oh… okay… er, make yourself at home while I fill this out then…" 'This is a dream… only a dream…' She thought rubbing her eyes and pushed her keyboard out of the way and set the folder down.

_The __Baker __Street __Fanfiction __Academy___

_We are pleased to announce that you have been accepted into the __Baker __Street __Fanfiction __Academy__. Please complete the following form; your train to BSFA will arrive at __3:40pm__ tomorrow afternoon. Food, clothing, and schoolbooks will be provided._

_Signed,_

_Juliet Norrington_

_Headmistress_

_Coordinator_

_Head of... Just About Everything_

_P.S. Do not attempt to run for the border. We will find you, and make you pay even more than you will be. Have a nice day._

Leigh yawned and looked through the papers for the form, which was a five-page monster of a thing. She whimpered, and fished around for a purple glitter pen. Uncapping it, she rubbed her temples and got to work. The questions included, "Why you write fanfiction?", "Next of Kin?", "Blood Type?", "Medical Records?", "Fears?", and other disturbing questions. Finally she finished the last question ("Watson was useless: yes/no") and yawned yet again. Everything began to swim before her eyes.

"Finished." She mumbled and handed the papers to Commodore Lysander. Suddenly the keyboard was starting to look very comfortable… She drifted off to sleep, vaguely aware of Sir Percival dropping another folder on top of her computer, and he and Commodore Lysander disappearing with a small pop.

o.O;;

(We now switch to a very large and richly-furnished office.) Thin white curtains hung on a bronze rod over the windows with heavy red curtains tied up with gold cords. Di Vinci and Monet paintings lined the crimson walls, and large oriental rugs lay on the hardwood floor. A large oak desk sat near the back of the room, a large leather chair sat behind it. In front of the desk sat two small uncomfortable-looking wooden chairs. (Those were for whenever students had the misfortune to visit the office.) Two huge wooden cupboards sat on either side of the desk, and in the center of the room was a maple coffee table surrounded by a few comfortable-looking chairs and a couch.

A young woman in jeans, a black studded belt, and a small Anberlin t-shirt was sprawled over the couch in the center of the room. Her light brown hair was pulled back in two small buns on the not-exactly-top-but-not-exactly-the-back-nor-the-sides of her head, and her dark green eyes were gazing absentmindedly into space. Her name was Juliet Norrington, more commonly known as Juliet, or, by those that feared her, Miss Juliet.

A handsome young man in dark brown period clothing sat in one of the dark brown chairs in the center of the room. His curly dark brown hair framed his thin serious face, and his dark brown eyes were gazing at the paper in front of him. (He likes dark brown, have you noticed?) His name was Doctor Percy Trevelyan, he was a character from the Sherlock Holmes story, "The Resident Patient", and was now helping Miss Juliet with the registration process for the Baker Street Fanfiction Academy. He is more commonly known as Dr. Trevelyan.

"Who's left?" Dr. Trevelyan asked, leafing through several papers.

"Lysander Twist and Percival St. James," Miss Juliet said. "They're the only ones who haven't checked in yet." She sat up, "Ow... headache..."

"You sent them together? Are you sure that's a wise move?" He asked raising his right eyebrow. She sent him a Death Glare, but before she could say anything the door burst open.

"But what if she didn't? What then?" Commodore Lysander asked, running in, a tattered and purple-scrawled folder in his hand and Sir Percy following.

"Are we the first ones back?" Sir Percival asked.

"No, you're the last, in fact." Miss Juliet said, snatching the folder from Commodore Lysander. "Leigh Tobias, huh?" She tossed Leigh's form on top of another one reading, "Miss Skybright Daye" and turned to Dr. Trevelyan, "Go find March Hare, won't you? She's supposed to be here by now." He nodded, and left, not wanting to fear the wrath of Miss Juliet. Commodore Lysander and Sir Percival always ticked her off. Speaking of the devils, they were sitting cross-legged in the chairs across from her, waiting for their orders.

"The train will be arriving at her station at three forty tomorrow afternoon, you will be on that train. If she's not at the station, you know what to do. Remember; we've only been allotted a small amount of magic, don't blow it all before term has begun- understand?" She glared at them both.

"Yes, ma'am!" they chorused.

"Dismissed." They two jumped to their feet and saluted, then raced out of the room. Miss Juliet rubbed her temples and glared at the thankfully closed door. From one of the corners, a large, glowing shape made its way towards her, closer and closer until it reached her side, and slowly lifted its head to... to... nuzzle her leg. Miss Juliet looked down and smiled at the very large, glowing, English mastiff puppy, also known as a mini-Hound of the Baskervilles. The mini-hound wagged its tail and slobbered over her hand. Miss Juliet rolled her eyes and reached to wipe off the slime with a rag hanging by the couch for that very purpose, only to realize that it wasn't there.

Looking over, she saw Wanton and Hlomes playing tug-of-war with it on the other side of the room. 'At least they left my Di Vinci's alone', she thought dryly, getting to her feet. This was going to be a long year.

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Ah! It has been rewritten! So how'd like it? Better? Worse? Lemmie know! .-


	2. The Great Detective of Yummyness

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

Okay everyone, if you don't understand, go read the "About" page at bsfa.cjb.net, and if you still don't get it, Email me and I'll try to explain. Okay? Okay. Kudos and cookies to everyone that enrolled! You rock my socks! Oh, and I love you reviewers too. *gives cookies to reviewers* There were more enrollers than reviewers. Weird. Extra cookies to the reviewer who notices a connection between Leigh's last name and someone in the cannon!

Ah! I have good news for everyone! The esteemed March Hare, author of "The Baker Street Three", has agreed to be my beta, *and* the Head Librarian! *bows to the great March Hare* Okay, okay, on with the fic!

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! LET ME GO!" Leigh yelled as Commodore Lysander dragged her through the empty train station, Sir Percival following as quickly as he could, a large, bulky black suitcase on wheels bumping along behind him.

"You filled out all the paperwork an' you said you wanted to go, so you are goin'!" Commodore Lysander yelled back at her.

"That was a dream! It wasn't real!" she cried, trying to pull her arm away.

"You filled out all the paperwork, you said you wanted to do, so you're gonna go!" Sir Percival shouted, grabbing her other arm.

"But it's not _real_!" she whined as the two shoved her in a bench.

"Oh, and I suppose Sir Percival an' I isn't real, are we now?" Commodore Lysander said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, yeah you are… but … it's impossible!" Leigh whined, yet again.

"Nothing's impossible." Sir Percival, sticking his nose in the air.

"Well… we're in North Dakota! How are we going to get London, brainiacs?" Leigh said, glaring at her capturers.

"Oh we'll get there; it just takes a little brain power." Sir Perce said, tapping his head.

"What are you talking about?" Leigh asked.

"Well since we missed the first train," he glared at her, "We're gonna have to take the automatic one."

"The what?" Leigh asked, looking around. She suddenly realized that no one was paying any attention to her, or Sir Perce and Commodore Lysander.

"Well y'know the automatic train an' 'ow it rides on those automatic grooves? Well, they lay tape across 'em, 'cause y'know tapes flexible." Commodore Lysander said, nodding.

"You're not making any sense!" Leigh said. 

"Egg-zact-ly! Just look for a shiny red train, will you? I've got a piece of cheese I'm going to share with Sir Percival, roight Sir Perce?" Commodore Lysander said, turning to face his friend.

"Oh, uh, roight! That's the ticket!" Sir Percival's eyes looked a bit shifty. 

"Hold on just one minute…"

Leigh found that neither were hanging onto her arms anymore, so she slowly slid down off the bench and began to crawl away while the two looked at each other, and the piece of cheese in Commodore Lysander's hand.

"Why don't you two battle it out amongst yourselves?" she said sweetly, standing up.

"Waaaait…." Commodore Lysander said, turning to her. "One minute you're over 'ere, and the next you're over there, that doesn't make sense. _Concentrate_!" He said putting his pointer and middle fingers on his temples and squeezing his eyes shut. Suddenly there was a loud, shrill whistle, and a small, blindingly red train pulled up in the empty station.

"C'mon Commodore, we better board." Sir Perce said, standing up.

"Wait, wot bout her, weren't we supposed to put her on the train or put a piece of cheese on her head, or something?" Commodore Lysander asked, pointing to Leigh, who tried to make a run for it. Sir Percival grabbed her pants leg.

"Shit!" She grumbled, falling.

"Oh, 'ave you got 'er?" Commodore Lysander asked.

"I believe I do." Sir Percy replied, dragging her towards the train.

"But what if you didn't? What then?" Commodore Lysander asked, grabbing the suitcase.

"But then she might be the Princess of Dutchland." Sir Percival replied, opening the door to the baggage compartment.

"Is there a place called Dutchland?" Commodore Lysander asked, throwing in the bag.

"I'm fairly sure." Sir Percival replied.

"Uggh," Leigh moaned, adding her bit to the conversation. "Can I stand up now?"

"Only if you promise not to run." Commodore Lysander said, raising his eyebrows.

"Fine, fine. Let's get on with this!" Leigh said, scrambling to her feet. She brushed off her clothes and checked her jaw to make sure it wasn't broken.

"Get on with what?" Sir Percival asked.

"The whole Baker Street Academy whatnot!" Leigh replied angrily, marching towards the boarding area.

Commodore Lysander smiled happily as they boarded. "Well we better go to this 'cademy thing so we can get back to the 'cademy so we can report in to what's-her-face, y'know, the ugly one." 

"You mean Miss 'Liet?" Sir Percival asked.

"Yeah, that's the one." 

They climbed in and stood in the middle of the aisle. Two signs sat in front of them, one pointing forward and saying, "Staff", and the other pointing towards the back and reading, "Students". Leigh let out a long sigh and turned to Commodore Lysander and Sir Percival, who where already in the middle of a very deep discussion…

 "Let's sit in one of those booth-like places." Sir Percival said, pointing to one of the compartments.

"Are they really? I thought they were more along the lines of plastic slash vinyl tower things." Commodore Lysander replied.

"Err… I'm going to go sit in the student section… you guys go... sit up where the staff people sit… yeah…" She turned and fled down the corridor. 

There was a long pause,

 "Now wait just a minute, I wrote the blueprints for these automatic train things, and I didn't see anything about some sort of student section thing." Commodore Lysander said, putting his hands on his hips.

"I think we've been winkhooded." Sir Percy replied.

Leigh walked slowly down the corridors, peering into the small compartments. All appeared to be full of slightly annoyed students like herself. She smiled at the thought that she hadn't been the only one who had been dragged out of bed in hell-sent demons in tattered clothing. Suddenly she realized that there were no windows in the train. She stopped, and thought about that for a minute, then shrugged and continued on her way. Finally, as she came to the end of the train, she found a compartment with an empty seat.

Sliding open the door the poked her head in, "Mind if I?" she motioned to the empty seat next to a girl with long blue hair and green highlights.

"Not at all," the girl replied, scooting over so Leigh would have more room. "I'm Issy Moans, by the way. You pun, you die."

"Wouldn't dream of it. I'm Leigh Tobias." Leigh said smiling.

"I'm Settiai," the girl directly in front of her said.

"Skybright Daye," the other said, waving. A long, plastic sword was attached to her jeans with a thin piece of filthy red cloth. Leigh decided she didn't really want to know what the sword was for, and instead addressed the whole compartment.

"So. What's with this whole Academy thing?" She asked.

"New at this, eh?" Settiai replied with a grin. "It's an academy. Where they teach us how to write Sherlock Holmes fanfiction. And it's probably going to be painful, if it's like any of the others." She winced.

"Yeah, but it's not real," Leigh said with a confused face.

"I thought that once, a long, long time ago…"

"Then what are you doing on this train?" Issy asked.  "Isn't it the one they send for everyone who missed the first 'cause they though the whole enrollment business was a dream, or that all those sleepless nights had finally gotten to them?" 

"I overslept." Settiai replied.

"Oh. Never mind then!" Issy said.

"So, are, like, Sherlock Holmes, and Watson, and everyone REALLY going to be teaching us?" Skybright Daye asked.

"Didn't you read your New Student Packages?" Settiai asked.

'New Student Packages?' the three other girls mouthed and shook their heads.

"The files the irregulars gave you after they took your enrollment forms." Another girl said, poking her head in. "Sorry, but do you have room? All of the other compartments already have five or more."

"Sure, if you don't mind the floor." Leigh said, pulling up her legs and pulling them up under her.

"Not at all. I'm Black Rose." She said sitting down.

The others introduce themselves, and Skybright Daye spoke up, "Which 'affiliation' did you guys decide to join? I'm going for PPC Supporter. PPC rocks!"

"Sherlock's Ladies," Black Rose promptly replied from the floor.

"Lestrade Cohort." Leigh said, "and Sherlock's Ladies."

"Fluffy Friends," Settiai said shrugging.

 "Lestrade Cohort, Slash Supporters, and PPC Supporter." Issy said, pulling a ponytail holder out of her pocket and beginning to braid her hair.

"Does anyone have any idea what they are?" Black Rose asked.

"Not a clue," Leigh replied. The others agreed, aside from Settiai, who remained silent with a small smile on her face.

The five chatted away the rest of the trip until a loud clanging noise was heard, and a voice appeared over a crackly loudspeaker, 

_We are now pulling into King's Cross. You will proceed down the aisles, out the doors, and stay there. When you hear your name called, you will go straight into the hansom cab waiting for you outside the station. Your baggage will be taken up for you. You will not attack, you will not glomp, and you will not try to run away. Any student doing such will be used as a chew toy for the mini-Hound of the Baskervilles._ ("The what?" Leigh whispered to Issy, who shrugged.)_Thank you, and have a nice day._ The crackly voice stopped, and the train came to a shuddering halt. Everyone got to their feet and stretched, then grabbed the random things they had with them and shuffled out into the hallway. They walked along, out the door, and into King's Cross Station. Three people were waiting for them; a medium-sized man in a black bowler hat, a tall woman with light brown/blond hair, and a tall man, thin, with black hair and a beak nose. He wore a long grey traveling coat and a small magnifying glass stuck out of the top pocket.

"Hey, who are they?" Leigh whispered.

"I think the short guy's Watson!" Issy exclaimed. "I don't know who the woman is, though. Or the bloke next to her." The mixed group standing by the blindingly red train began to whisper, and mutter among themselves. The Irregulars had all climbed off the train and had walked over to stand by the three people.

"Silence!" the woman called. "I am Miss Juliet. You shall address me as Miss Juliet, not Juliet, Julie, Jewel, Jewels, or Miss Liet," her eyes darted to two of the Irregulars, who smiled innocently, "Is everyone clear on that?" Some nodded, some muttered, but everyone agreed. "Good. Now, this is Doctor Watson," she motioned to the man in the black bowler.

"I was right!" Issy whispered.

"And this is Mr. Holmes." She motioned to the man in the long traveling cloak, who nodded to the wide-eyed students. 

"THAT'S Sherlock Holmes?" Issy whispered. "Holmes didn't look like that! Holmes was cute!"

"Oh, but he *is*!" Leigh whispered back with a small sigh. "He's *adorable*!" Issy gave her an odd look, and they both turned back to Miss Juliet.

"They are going to be herding you into your cabs." She smirked, "See you at school." She, and half of the Irregulars walked over towards the train.

"When Mr. Holmes reads your name, you will get into the handsome cab number he gives. Understand?" Watson said

"Yes," was the general reply.

"Good." Holmes replied, and pulled out a piece of paper. He then began to read off a series of names, after every three he would give a number, then the group of three would walk off, guided by a Irregular. Leigh took the time (knowing she would be near the end) to look around the station. All of the other people in the station where giving the group odd looks, and Leigh hardly need wonder why. She turned her gaze back to the Great Detective of Yummyness. God, he was hot. Tapping her finger on her lips, she wondered how she could get attention and thus have him fall in love with her. She was so wrapped in her thoughts that she jumped when she heard her name called.

"Daye, Skybright, Tobias, Leigh, Valtinen, Erik K, you three with me in cab 21." Holmes said, and suddenly Leigh realized that she and three other girls were left alone with Holmes, who was folding up the paper and jamming it in his pocket.

"Hurry up," he said, striding towards the exit. The three girls exchanged smirking glances and raced after him. This Academy bit might turn out to be fun after all.


	3. Mental Note: Never Hit on Holmes

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

*ducks rotten tomatoes* Sorry! I know it's been over a month! *ducks* Don't kill me! Look! *point* Professor Brown (that's right, Professor *Nona* Brown) and Professor Hare are here! Yay! I am still accepting applications, I will announce when I've stopped, so if you haven't already, go send in your enrollment form! :)

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

The first thing Leigh saw when she woke was a young man several years older than her shaking his head and grinning down at her. 

"Don't tell me," he said, "Late student in the hansom with Professor Holmes when someone hit on him?"

Leigh nodded, and sat up with a groan, "All three of us, actually." 

He winced, "Bad move."

 "Very," she rolled her eyes and winced. As she spoke she looked around for the other two girls.

"They were dragged up by a couple of mini-Hounds a few minutes ago. You were down in the street and I guess they didn't see you." He said, holding out his hand to help her up. She took it, and managed to get to her feet.

"Thanks," she smiled, "I'm Leigh Tobias."

"Seth Nix. C'mon, you had better hurry up and check-in, we were told to change into our school robes and be in the auditorium in an hour." He said, straightening his long black robe.

"Well, that gives me a good amount of time," Leigh said as they walked up the stairs of a large, long white building with forest green trim.

"Yes, well, that was when the students on the regular train got off, which was about twenty minutes before you guys, and it takes fifteen minutes to get here, and you were out for at least ten minutes, so-"

Leigh cut him off with a mumbled, "Shit!" and made a dive for the door.

"Go straight to the room assignment post! Through the hall and up the first flight of stairs!" Seth called after her.

"Thank you!" she replied, opening the large, carved door and dashing in. She raced through the large entrance hall, hardly noticing the shiny wooden floor covered in large throw rugs, or the large, very breakable objects that just happened to lying around.

She blindly raced up the stairs and to the room assignment post. Behind the small white desk sat a young woman with a long brown braid, doodling in a black spiral notebook. Her nametag read "Professor Nona Brown".

"Name?" she asked when Leigh ran up and leaned against the desk.

"L-Leigh Tobias," she puffed, trying to catch her breath.

"You will be in Ladies' Dorm #101 on the fifth floor, that okay?" Professor Brown asked. 

Leigh shrugged, "Sure."

"Good." Professor Brown said, giving her a slip of paper and a key. "Don't loose your key; you may not be able to get another one." She warned, and Leigh nodded. Grabbing the paper and key, she turned to run up the stairs, but stopped and looked back at Professor Brown.

"I don't remember you, what story were you in?" Leigh asked.

"I'm not in the cannon." Professor Brown replied.

"Then why are you here? What's your relationship with Sherlock Holmes?" Leigh demanded.

Professor Brown smirked, "He's my fiancée." She said. "You better get going." Leigh gawked at her for a moment, then bolted up the second flight the stairs, and came to the next station where a short, rattish-looking man and a young girl in a turquoise newsboy and pinstripe pants were standing beside a large black garbage can and what looked like a metal detector from a airport.

"Please put you luxury item in this box," the man said, pointing to a wooden crate, "and all other 21st century technology you have in this bin." He said, pointing to the large black garbage can. 

"All PDAs, laptops, cell phones, CD players, flashlights, lasers, etc. etc." the girl in the blue newsboy read off a list. "An' when you're finished walk through the technology detector over there," Seeing Leigh's crestfallen face, she added, "Well, we can't jus' let you run round with some 'vanced techno, now can we? Don't worry, you'll get 'em back at the end of term."

Leigh tearfully dropped her Walkman and CD case in the crate and emptied seventy percent of her suitcase into the bin, and walked through the detector. They were silent, and Lunar gave Leigh back her Walkman. Along the way up she ran into Issy, Commodore Lysander, and Sir Percival, deep in conversation.

"…so whatah we lookin' for again?" Commodore Lysander asked.

"Shakespeare, roight?" Sir Percival replied.

"Like, one of Shakespeare's plays?" Issy asked.

"Does 'e 'ave one about cheese?" Commodore Lysander asked.

"I… uhh… don't think so…"

"Do you 'ave any cheese?" Lysander whispered as Sir Percival asked, "But what if 'e did? What then?" Leigh shook her head at Lysander, whose shoulders sagged, and he replied, "Then it'd probably be about the great book of cheese."

"Oh, roight, roight, now who were we looking for again? Shakespeare or the Prince of Wales?" 

"I thought they were both the same person."

"Oh, roight, roight, that's it." Leigh and Issy looked at each other and rolled their eyes. They began to climb the last flight of steps, leaving Commodore Lysander and Sir Percival to their quest. 

Leigh raced to catch up with Issy

"What dorm are you in?" She asked.

"101," Leigh said, checking the paper.

"So am I! Awesome! C'mon, we better hurry!" Issy said. Leigh nodded, and they raced up the stairs. The fifth floor was a series of long, dark hallways, lit with candles and gas lamps. Large paintings were scattered over the walls, and the floor was a dark, shiny wood.

Leigh's eyes skimmed the doors and she and Issy walked down the corridor, "Here it is," she said, pointing to a large wooden door with small brass letters and numbers reading, "Ladies Dorm, #101"

Issy opened the door, and they found three other girls hurriedly stripping and jamming on other bits and pieces of clothing. The room was brightly lit from the three floor-length windows, bedecked with forest green curtains held back with gold ropes. The floor and trim was a dark wood like the corridors, and the walls were painted a slightly lighter green than the curtains. In the room stood five large four poster beds with forest green curtains matching the ones on the windows and underneath each bed were two long, deep drawers built into the frame, next to each bed was a chair matching the floor, and across from the beds were five desks, complete with paper, pens, ink, blotters, and what seemed to be an excessive amount of shelve space. 

Issy and Leigh stood gaping for a minute, before shaking themselves and running in, finding the beds with their names on them and dropping their suitcases on them. Leigh pushed the curtains aside and crawled onto her bed, looking for her uniform.

"Try the chair," the last girl, aside from Issy and Leigh, called.

"Thanks," Leigh said, pushing open the other curtain.

"THOSE are our school uniforms?!" Leigh asked, staring at the long Oxfordian black robe, grey skirt, white blouse, grey vest, black tie, grey socks, and black Mary Jane shoes sitting stiffly on the chair beside her bed.

"Yep. Sucks, doesn't it?" the girl said, pulling the grey vest over her head. "In one of the drawers under the bed are five other sets just like it, aside from the robe, of course. We only get two of those. I hope you brought your own bras and other underthings. Half the girls next door didn't, and you're lucky you weren't here when they realized they the Academy hadn't provided them." She rolled her eyes. ****

Leigh giggled, "I had enough foresight to see *that*. At least they aren't making us wear corsets, and other crap like that." she said, climbing off of the large four-poster bed. 

"I'm Leigh Tobias, by the way."

"Charlie Adams," the girl said. "Better hurry!" she grabbed her robe and raced out the door. Leigh and Issy looked at each other, then at the clock, which hung near the ceiling in the middle of the room. They winced, and hurriedly changed.

"Holy shit!" Issy said checking her watch. "We've got less than three minutes!" Grabbing Leigh's hand, she dragged her down all five flights of stairs, through several other rooms, and into the Auditorium, where the rest of the school was milling around, waiting for the long red curtain up front to open.

"We made it," Leigh gasped, grinning at Issy, who grinned back.

"I'm glad I brought this as my luxury item," she said, tapping her watch. Suddenly the curtain opened. A large crowd sat in chairs behind the podium, and at the podium stood Miss Juliet, her long highlighted brown hair braided and tossed carelessly over her back. Her green eyes flashed dangerously as she surveyed the crowd, and the crowd surveyed her. She was the only one on the stage not wearing period clothing- her brown-belted jeans and American Eagle "Eat More Cheese; Save the Cows" shirt contrasted sharply with the Victorian clothing the rest of the staff wore. A long, thin dark green piece of cloth was wound once around her neck and pinned on the left side with a safety pin.

"*That's* the headmistress?" A nearby dragon/puma/raptor/wolf-person asked.

"I guess. She looked more like a headmistress when we got off the train," Felix, one of the very few male students, replied.

"Maybe that was because she was wearing her robe," Lli suggested.

"What's the green belt-looking thing for?" Beth Einspanier asked.

"Shhh!" Leigh shushed. To Miss Juliet's left sat the large crowd of Irregulars, and to her right, slightly off the stage, was an odd, greenish glow. 

"Is everyone here?" Miss Juliet scanned the room and tossed her loose braid over her shoulder.  "Good. Please shut up so we can continue." The room grew silent. "Now, my name is Miss Juliet, I am the coordinator, and Head of… Just About Everything here at BSFA," she said, "if you have any complaints, you bring them to me, or, if your smart, you keep them to yourself. In your New Student Packages are your lists of books, classes, and your schedule for the next semester. Do not, I repeat, do NOT lose these, you will NOT get another, and how would Holmes and Watson feel? They stayed up all night writing those for you." At that, there was a loud shuffling noise as everyone scrambled for his or her New Student Packages.

"I don't have mine!" Leigh moaned, "It's in my backpack!"

"That's okay, neither do I, we can check them when we get back. Oh, hope I got Watson's classes!" Issy giggled.

"I hope I got Holmes!" Leigh squealed.

"What did I say about shutting up? Thank you. I would like to introduce you to the ones who will be helping the other professors and I maintain order at the school. The Irregulars," she motioned to the large group of scruffy and tattered street Arabs on her right side, who waved cheekily.  "And the mini-Hound(s) of the Baskervilles." She gave two short and one long whistles, and suddenly, a group of incredibly large, glowing, black and green English mastiff puppies came running out. They looked like puppies, but they also looked to be about the size of adult Labradors. The auditorium fell dead silent as the large, slobbering, glowing things all sat down around Miss Juliet's legs.

"They are not very fond of you, which is surprising, considering you were the ones who created them whenever you misspelled a Canon character's name. Now, Professor Holmes would like to say a few words. Professor," she said, stepping back and motioning to the podium. She then walked off stage, her gang of beasts following her.

Holmes walked up to the podium, a strand of his black hair had fallen into his grey eyes and as he brushed it out, one of the girls in front fainted. 

Holmes arched one eyebrow and turned to speak, "Welcome to the Baker Street Fanfiction Academy, and I hope your stay will be as short and as painful as possible. There are a few rules I would like to go over- those of you who have your Student Packages with you, please pull out the 'Rules' sheet, and those of you who don't, find someone who does." There was another shuffling noise, and Leigh looked around for someone with a folder, and saw a girl in front of her pulling out one.

"May I?" Leigh asked, stepping up.

"Not at all," the girl said, shifting through papers. As she did so, Leigh's eyes wandered to the top of the folder at the name, "Smullyan, Charlotte."

"Here," Charlotte said, pulling out a slightly illegible piece of paper with ten rules scrawled out in a small, messy script.

"Thanks,"

Holmes cleared his throat, and all eyes once again fixed themselves on him, "Rule one;" he began, "Glomping is strictly prohibited."

"What's glomping?" one of the few male voices in the crowd asked.

Holmes opened his mouth to explain, when a small girl with curly red and gold hair called, "I'll show you!" She raced for the stage, and climbed up before anyone could stop her. She made a flying leap for Holmes, but was caught in mid-air by one of the mini-Hounds.

"Nice catch, Hlomes!" Miss Juliet said, appearing on the stage once more. "Kindly take her up to the Infirmary, won't you?" The dog nodded at her, and scooping the unconscious girl up in his mouth, trotted off the stage, followed by Miss Juliet.

Holmes coughed and straightened his jacket with an air of one who suffers much. "Thank you, Miss Adiva Calandia, for demonstrating for Mr. Junior." The giggling rose again, but Miss Juliet stuck her head back out, and gave a level five Death Glare™ around the auditorium, and two of her mini-Hounds followed suit. The giggling immediately stopped.

"Rule two;" Holmes started, "No student is permitted on the Staff Floor without an official permit. The mini-Hounds will take care of that." Leigh fancied she saw a slightly-evil-looking smile darted onto his face, and left just as quickly.

"Rule three; No student is allowed to attack, sexually or physically, a member of the staff.

"Rule four; All work submitted must be original.

"Rule five; No twentieth century technology aside from your luxury item is allowed.

"Rule six; Nothing from another Canon aside from you luxury item is allowed.

"Rule seven; Students' luxury items may not be used to help them break any of these rules.

"Rule eight; Students must not try to run away.

"Rule nine: All students must be in dorms by nine o'clock, lights off at midnight

"Rule ten; Students must not try to bribe any of the staff members, senior or otherwise.

"Everyone who breaks these rules will be sent to Miss Juliet, or, if she is unavailable, will be given to the mini-Hounds as a new chew toy." Again, Leigh thought she saw the slightly-evil smile, but as it left so quickly, she assumed it was just her imagination.

"Classes start tomorrow morning at seven exactly. You will find all the books on your list in the library on the ninth floor, in the second corridor. Is that all, Miss Juliet?" he asked, turning.

"I believe it is," she said, walking back up, this time alone. "Dismissed." The room slowly emptied, and Issy caught up with Leigh as they walked up the third flight of stairs.

"So, what'd you think?" she asked.

"I don't know, looks kind of screwy to me." Leigh said as they climbed.

"Yeah, me too, but did you see Watson back there? Total yummyness. I can't believe I didn't notice earlier!" she squealed.

 "No way, Holmes is totally so much hotter than Watson!" Leigh said. "Did you see him push that strand of hair out of his eyes? Yum." She sighed happily.

"You're insane!" Issy said smiling. "Listen, I'm going to go find the bathroom, see you later."

"Bye," Leigh said as they reached the fifth floor. She retrieved her New Student Package, and set out for the ninth floor. Two hours, and many corridors, later, she reached the ninth floor, second corridor. The only door was an oaken door with a brass plaque reading,

"_BSFA Library_

_Head Librarian: Professor M. Hare_."__

Leigh pulled open the heavy oaken door, and gasped in shock. The opulence of the rest of the Academy paled in comparison to this grand chamber, bookcases straining with books soaring to the impossibly high ceiling.  Stuffed sofas and polished tables lay scattered over the Oriental rugs, while crystal chandeliers illuminated the room to the brightness of sunshine.

Leigh goggled delightedly, until a feminine voice sounded from behind her.  

"Something I can help you with?"

Spinning around, Leigh saw a short young woman clutching an armful of books. She was pretty, in a bookish sort of way.  Her plain eyes and shoulder-length hair were of a nondescript brown.  Her round wire glasses perched precariously on the tip of her short nose.  As a matter of fact, she would have looked completely unremarkable, if not for the oversized floppy rabbit's ears that protruded from her head.

"I said, can I help you?" asked the bunny-woman again.

"I-I'm sorry," Leigh stuttered, taken aback.  "I'm looking for a Professor... Hare?"

The bunny-woman smiled.  "Well, you've found her. March Hare, Head Librarian, at your service."

 "I'm here for my books for this semester," Leigh said, opening her folder. She shifted through the papers and found a large stack of papers bound together with a piece of red ribbon.

"Good, good, can I please see your list?" Professor Hare asked, and Leigh silently handed it over. "Oh, you've got the normal booklist," Professor Hare said, "Come this way, please, and mind the shelves," she gave Leigh back her list and set down the stack of books she was carrying on a nearby table.

"Of course," Leigh said, following her over to the rear of the library. Many large stacks of books were sitting with slips of paper on the tops with names on them. Leigh followed Professor Hare through the stacks until they came to the T's.

"Tobias, Tobias, ah! Tobias!" Professor Hare said happily. "Here are yours," she motioned to the rather large stack on the table.

"Er… thanks… I guess…" Leigh said, collecting her jaw off the ground.

"How has your first day at BSFA been?" Professor Hare asked.

"It's been okay. Painful, but interesting." Leigh managed a smile. "You know, you're the second Professor I've met today who I don't recognize from the books or movies… the other was Professor Brown." 

"Oh, Nona? She's my character." Professor Hare said with a nod.

"Excuse me, Professor Hare? Can you help me find 'Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street'?" Deirdre O'Connor asked, poking her head out from a shelf.

"Of course," Professor Hare said, and turned to Leigh, "if you'll excuse me?"

"Certainly." Leigh said. Professor Hare smiled, and walked off.

Leigh turned to her stack and let out a long sigh. How on earth was she going to get *all* those books down to her room?! She bent down and picked them up. The stack teetered, but held. She slowly made it out of the room, and started down the stairs.

"Aha! There she is!" a voice called, and Neoholmesz ran out, followed by Nako-chan, Nooka, Kelskier15, Naomi-chan, Ms. Neptune Holmes, Skye-chan, and… well, a rather large crowd of girls rushing up towards her, one word on their lips, "ATTAAACK!" Leigh turned her to see Valtinen Erik K standing at the top of the stairs, a look of horror on her face. Leigh turned back to the crowd, and let out a small scream as the wave hit her, throwing her to her feet and scattering her books. 

When the wave had passed, Leigh dizzily raised her head and looked around. Her books were scattered from one side of the large staircase to the other. With a groan she got to her feet and began to pick them up. As she bent over to pick up "Sleuthing 411", another hand got it first and handed it to her. Leigh pushed back her hair and looked up. Seth looked down at her with a look of amused pity. Silently, he began to help her pick up her books, and followed her down the stairs towards her dorm.

"Thanks," Leigh said as they descended the stairs to the fifth floor.

"No problem."

"Why were those Sherlock fangirls attacking Valtinen?" She asked.

Seth grinned, "She was the only one who said yes in the 'Watson was useless' question on the form. Someone saw Holmes snipping her because of it, and she's been under attack ever since."

"Are you serious? I can't believe it! That's horrible! Without Watson, Sherlock would have never solved some of his best cases! That's- that's… where is she?!?!" she growled.

"Hey, chill," Seth laughed, "You can join your fangirl buddies tomorrow."

"Yeah, I guess your right," she replied as they reached her door, and he gave the books he had been carrying to her. 

"Here, you better take them in. I might get attacked by some unknown… something if I go in." Seth said.

"Good idea," Leigh said, taking the books. "See you around."

"See ya."


	4. Drool and 'Deduction for Dummies'

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

Wow- I'm back! Finally! XD Sorry this one took so long, my laptop's in the shop and I wasn't really sure how I wanted to write this chapter. The first draft was just weird… O.o Anyway, I hope you enjoy it XD

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Leigh sat bolt upright, her pillow held high over her head. She blinked, set down the pillow and covered her ears with her hands. A loud, deep bell-like clanging was emitting from the clock near the ceiling on the other wall. Around her, the other members of her dorm were waking up in their own, particular, fashion.

"Where's the fire?" Black Rose mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"What fire?" Skybright Daye asked, jumping to her feet and brandishing her sword.

"There ain't one," Issy said, yawning. "How do we turn it off?"

"You got me," Leigh said, stretching and beginning to morning yoga routine. All of a sudden, the clanging stopped.

"That worked," Black Rose said with a shrug. Charlie Adams muttered something incoherent and rolled over. 

"Aye! Avast!" Skybright Daye said, poking the lump in bed with her sword.

"It's too early for this kind of stuff." Charlie Adams grumbled, but sat up and pushed back the covers. 

Leigh glanced at the clock and began to change into her uniform, "I hate skirts," she grumbled as she pulled on the long back robe.

"Why?" Charlie Adams asked.

"I was always told never trust a man who worships the ground you walk on because he's probably just trying to look up your skirt." Issy supplied, and the room burst into giggles.

"That's about right," Leigh said, walking over to her desk. "What classes do I have today?" she mused, glancing at her schedule. She grabbed the appropriate books and tossed them into her book bag.

"Out of curiosity, what classes do you have today?" Issy asked.

"'An Introduction to Fanfiction', and 'Basic Sleuthing Techniques'," Leigh read, and brightened, "one with Holmes!"

"I have 'An Introduction' first too!" Issy said happily. "Watson!"

Leigh shook her head sadly, and started to leave. Black Rose joined her, and on the way down the stairs, they ran into Skye-chan and Guinevere Sparrow in the middle of a fierce debate;

"Holmes is the hottest!" Skye-chan said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Mycroft!"

"Holmes!"

"Nona!"

"Holmes!"

"Watson!"

Leigh bit her lip and edged slowly past them. She followed the signs down the stairs, and into the Dining Hall, a huge, brightly-lit room filled to the brim with tables, chairs, students, staff, and servants. The floor was made of a hard, brown tile, and the walls were painted a dark tan. Small glass and wood lamps were scattered randomly over the walls and tables. There were two staff tables and quite a lot of student tables. Most of the staff sat up at the large oak table at the top of the room, but the Irregulars and mini-hounds had a table to themselves. There were four ceiling to floor windows on the eastward wall, and a large banner reading "Love Reviewers, Hate Mary-Sue-er's" hung over the staff table. 

Leigh sat down between Lli and ShadowPirate at one of the student tables and goggled around at the Hall.

"What will you have for breakfast, miss?" a maid asked, walking up.

"Oh- I'll have a fried egg and toast. I guess. With coffee. Lots of coffee."

Leigh replied. The maid nodded, and pulled a plate off the tray she had been wheeling behind her.

"Enjoy." She said with a rather mischievous grin as she set down two mugs of coffee. Leigh soon found why- both eggs and toast were cold, and the coffee was two-day-old lukewarm glop. Still, it was better than nothing.

Chronos Keeper, Felix, Kelskier15, and KID were sitting huddled together at one of the corners of the tables, whispering and occasionally glancing up at the staff table.

Silver Yuy was wrapping a handmade Holmes plushie, with another one sitting beside her orange juice. Across from her, Settiai was explaining something to Rose and Alex McKyle.

Up at the staff table, Miss Juliet sat, flanked by Professor Hare and a woman with long brown hair wearing a black and red uniform. The rest of the Canon crowd sat around them. Nona Brown, Mary Russell, and Irene Adler were fighting over an suspiciously familiar-looking Holmes plushie, Holmes was hiding behind one of the Violets, and Watson and Mrs. Hudson were looking on is amused silence. Leigh giggled and turned back to her plate. Pulling her schedule out of her bag, she propped it up next to a glass of orange juice she stole from someone, but before she had a chance to study it Miss Juliet got to her feet.

"Attention, may I have your attention?" There was silence. "Thank you. Now, most of you met Professor Hare and Professor Brown," she motioned to the bunny-woman and young woman sitting beside her "and, since you have of course read the books, the rest of the Canonicals, but you may not yet know Kate O'Riley, Head of Grammar Security."

She motioned to the woman in the red and black uniform. "And she has kindly agreed to lend us her maze from Survivor: Voyager. Fear her. Now, will those of you who have tried to sneak into the Staff Section, or send the Canonicals love letters, or tried to bribe staff members, etc. etc. etc. please report to the playing field after classes, and if you don't appear, I'm afraid I'll have to send Gimlee after you," she said, motioning to a large, fiery beast walking up and roaring. There was a collective gasp, and a couple screams as he walked forward.

"He's a mini-Balrog from OFUM, and he's such a little thing. He can't speak, so please be nice to the darling." she said, scratching his head. "The rest of the students should report to the playing field at four o'clock sharp." She sat down.

Leigh shuddered; glad she had been too tired from running up and down the steps all yesterday to even think about trying anything like that. However, now that she mentioned it, it sounded like a good idea...

"Anybody got any aspirin?" Issy asked, walking up and pushing Lli aside to sit down next to Leigh. She looked horrible, with black and blue marks on her arms and legs, and what looked like slobber all over her.

"What happened to you?" Charlie Adams asked.

"Tried to sneak into the staff section to give Watson a chocolate-filled teddy bear." Issy said. "The mini-hounds caught me before I even got up to the last stair. They tore Pooki to shreds! He didn't stand a chance." She sniffed. "All that chocolate gone to waste!" 

The table winced in unison. "I've got some cough medicine," Leigh said, pulling out a large blue bottle.

Issy contemplated for a minute, "I'm willing to try anything right now," she said, wincing as she took the bottle.

"Hey, careful with that!" Leigh said, pulling it away as Issy attempted to empty half the bottle into her cup. "It's got to last me all year y'know!"

"Why?" Cyberwolf asked.

"Long story." Leigh replied, mixing a spoonful of the syrup in with her coffee.

She drained the cup and turned to those sitting around her. "Class with Miss

Juliet starts soon, I better get going- don't want to be late." She rolled her eyes. "See you guys later."

"Later," they called as the left the emptying Hall.

It took her quite a while to find the classroom- BSFA was surprisingly larger than she that originally thought. There was one dark corridor after another, each filled with paintings, statues, busts, and other curiosities. However, after ten minutes of wandering, Leigh made it, and luckily before Watson or Miss Juliet. She slowly sank into a chair behind Kayho Foxblood and began to arrange her supplies.

Several other girls ran in moments before the bell rang, Issy among them. She took a seat next to Kayho and grinned back at Leigh, who returned it. The door opened, and Miss Juliet walked in. She nodded to the class, and walked up to the blackboard where she began to write something. Dr. Watson walked in a few moments later. His neat brown hair framed his surprisingly youthful face. His eyes were cheerful and his smile was happy. He obviously had no idea what was about to befall him. Several mini-hounds followed him in, growling at Guin Sparrow, Kayho Foxblood and Issy, who has instinctively jumped to their feet and readied to run when Watson entered the room. The three Watson Wanters sat.

"Welcome to 'An Introduction to Fanfiction'," Dr. Watson began, "In this class we will discuss general Fanfiction vocabulary, slang, concepts, creations, structure, and the like."

"Our goal," Miss Juliet said, putting down her chalk and walking over to sit on the desk next to where Watson was standing, "is to turn you slackers into a decent bunch of Fanfiction writers. Now, today we will begin with your own Fanfiction characters. Please pull out twelve pieces of paper and label each one with your name, your story's title, the name of your original character, and the date." There was a loud shuffling noise as everyone pulled out the paper and opened their inkwells.

"You are going to be taking The Sherlockian Mary Sue Litmus Test written by our very own Professor Hare. Please write down the question and the number of points you received as Miss Juliet and I read the question aloud. Miss Juliet has also kindly," Miss Juliet rolled her eyes, "written the questions on the board incase you fall behind." He paused, "Good. Let us begin. One; is the character named after you? First name, middle name, or the name you use in chatrooms. Ten points." Watson began and there followed a flurry of scribbles.

"Two; is the character's name an unusual spelling of a more common name or word? One point." Miss Juliet read and Leigh shifted uncomfortably.

"Three; is the character's name unusual in another way? A female with a male-sounding name? One point. A noun or adjective not normally used for a name? One point. Does the character have a really cool name that you wish you had? One point." Watson stumbled over the last line, unused to the slang, and Issy, Guin Sparrow, and Kayho Foxblood shouted it out for him.

"Four; is the character's name in the title of the story or is the title otherwise a description of the character? i.e. "The Girl of His Dreams". Five Points." Miss Juliet continued.

"But what if I, I mean, *she* is the girl of Watson's dreams? Then what?" Kayho

Foxblood called, jumping to her feet.

"Sit." Miss Juliet replied, fingering the sleek black crop that had before been resting in her back pocket. Kayho sat. "You then scrap that story and start over, because you know absolutely no about of editing is going to save *that* story."

"But it's the perfect title for the perfect character!" Kayho wailed.

"Shut up."

They continued, and the small knot that had developed in Leigh's stomach during question two continued to grow with every question, such as, "Fifteen; Does the character have an unusual eye color for no apparent reason? Three points. Will this be a plot point later? One point."  Finally they reached, "Twenty; is the character otherwise physically disabled? If yes, subtract two points." Miss Juliet read. Half the class, including Leigh, opened their mouths. "Anyone who says 'She's so pretty that it's like a disability because everyone hates her or wants to have sex with her' will be shot on sight." They closed them. "Is the character no longer disabled at the end of the series, or else dead? One point."

"Twenty one; is the character mentally disabled? (Meaning at the level of Forrest Gump or below.) Subtract two points." Watson looked down at the second part of number twenty one, and looked back up rather frazzled, "Does the character have any telekinetic, telepathic, or other psychic powers despite and/or because of this disability? Three points." Issy looked up at Watson and winked slowly. 

Watson blushed, and ran a hand through his hair, "That is most inappropriate,

Miss Isobel!"

"No, no, I'm Issy, not Isobel," Issy pouted. Miss Juliet cleared her throat, and they continued. Over "Twenty four; was the character adopted or did he/she otherwise live with people who were not his/her parents as a child? One point." through "Twenty seven; did the character have an unusual birth or unusual experience in early infancy? i.e. abducted, placed in a basket and set afloat, visited by The Three Wise Guys, etc. One Point.", and continuing to the most important question of all "Forty one; does the character fall in love with Holmes and/or Watson? One point." Watson shifted uncomfortably, "Because *you* want to fall in love with Holmes and/or Watson? One point."

As one, Issy, Guin Sparrow, and Kayho Foxblood jumped to their feet and cried,

"Yes! Because I love you Watson!" They rushed forward, and were promptly knocked out, due to five over-zealous mini-hounds and Miss Juliet's handy-dandy crop.

"Voliet, Viggins, please take these three down to the Sick Wing." Miss Juliet said cheerfully. The two mini-hounds nodded, and padded away with the three fangirls in tow.

"As we were saying…" They went on through fourteen more questions, before

Watson finally said, "Pens down, everyone." Leigh dropped her pen in the holder, and massaged her poor cramped hand. She had never written so much at one time in her life.

"The homework for this week is to write a five-page essay on the importance of good character creation to keep from having to go through long tests like this."

Miss Juliet said, and the class groaned as they scribbled it down.

"Please give your papers to Dr. Watson as you leave, and make sure all are numbered. Dismissed." The class filled out, and Leigh managed to check

Cyberwolf's watch as he left. Eleven forty. They had been shut up in that class room for over three hours! Next was lunch, then "Basic Sleuthing Techniques" with Sherlock Holmes. She smiled dreamily to herself and wandered down the stairs to the Dining Hall. 

After a hurried lunch, she raced back up the stairs to classroom 411. Ten others had already beaten her to the line of desks in the first row. 

She was considering crying, when she heard a familiar voice call; "Leigh! Hey,

Leigh! Want my seat?" Seth was sitting in the seat across from Holmes's desk.

Leigh ran over and Seth shoved all his things back in his bag.

"Thank you so much," Leigh said, grinning.

"Not a problem." Seth said, and moved to a seat in the back. 

Leigh settled down, amid many glares and death threats, and the class awaited the Great Detective (of Yummyness.) He arrived ten minutes later, followed by a large crowd of mini-Hounds. His pale features stood out brightly against his black hair, and the black suit he wore. His gray eyes glared at the class, and he wore a look of smug satisfaction.

"Welcome to 'Basic Sleuthing Techniques', or as some of the staff have come to call it, 'Sleuthing for Idiots'," Holmes smirked and scanned the room. There was a long gushing sound as 95% of the class let out long sighs. "Please open 'Deduction for Dummies' and turn to page three." Holmes crossed his arms and gave a long glare at anyone who so much as dared to look up. 

As Holmes read, Leigh let her eyes glaze over and her ears hear nothing but his voice. She fought hard to keep the long line of drool inside her mouth, but when Holmes took off his jacket to show them something -she wasn't quite sure what- it was too much for her. Around her, many other girls seemed to be having the same problem. Holmes forcefully explained something involving a battered-looking bowler hat. His brightened eyes, messy hair, and jacketless torso, added to the amount of drool gathering on the floor. 

"Did everyone follow that?" He asked, pulling on his jacket. Only then did he realize that most of his students were busy losing body fluids via their slack jaws resting on their desks. He rolled his eyes and put on an air of one who suffers much and scanned the room.

"Ah, you there," he said, spotting the only girl in the room sitting upright,

"You look lucid, what is your name?"

"J.A. Belvedere, sir," the plump girl said with a sophisticated air.

"Miss Belvedere, tell me, when staking out a suspect at the docks, what would be the appropriate costume to-" he began, but was cut off.

"Why would I be at the docks?" J.A. asked.

Holmes blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Why would I be at the docks? It seems absolutely absurd." She stared at him with utmost seriousness.

"Well, well, that's not the point. You see, this is theoretical." Holmes explained.

"Okay," she replied, "what's the case?"

"Brilliant!" Holmes cried, feeling he was getting somewhere. "Let us say that

Lady Heather was murdered and-"

"Oh no!" J.A. interrupted, a horrified look on her face. "That's despicable!

Someone should inform her family at once!" Holmes stared at her as she continued, "What a dreadful thing to happen at the beginning of term!"

"No, no, it's theoretical, it didn't really happen," Holmes attempted to explain.

"Then why didn't you say so in the first place? And how does this tie in with docks, anyway?" J.A. asked angrily.

Holmes rolled his eyes, "Forget it." He turned away, and spotted Seth doodling on a piece of paper.

"You, sir-" Holmes called, "Where is the best place to find local gossip and information about someone you wish to know more about?"

"The local public house," Seth called back.

Holmes raised his right eyebrow, "Very good answer, Mr. Nix, the first in this class. Now," he turned to address the room, "sit up and stop drooling. The appropriate dress for your typical groom is as follows,"

Nearly two hours later, the floor had been completely covered with the thick, sticky fluid from the student's mouths.  Holmes had taken to standing on his chair as he explained. He had tried sitting, but found he stood up every few minutes. Finally, five minutes before the bell rang, the class sat upright at the word, "homework."

"You're assignment for this week is as follows; you are trying to find out why Sir Charles is trying to blackmail Lady Heather. Write a full report on who you're working for, what you wore, where you went, when you went, why you went, and how you obtained your information." The bell rang, and the students made their way out. As Leigh left, she heard Holmes telling one of the mini-Hounds to get a cleaning crew up her as soon as possible. Feeling a little foolish, she walked towards the stairs. Funny, no one had even attempted to glomp him... maybe it was because this was the first day? Nah, probably had something to do with the ten mini-Hounds and the loaded pistol on the desk.

"Wait up, Leigh!" a familiar voice called. Leigh turned, and saw Seth running to catch up with her.

"Hey," she smiled as he pulled up beside her, "thanks for giving me your seat," she said as they began to walk.

"No problem, you wanted it more than I did." He grinned devilishly. Leigh blushed and looked at her feet.

"You made a very good impression with Holmes," she said, changing the subject.

Seth shrugged, "I know my Canon. In 'The Solitary Cyclist,' Holmes rebukes Watson for going to a broker to find out who owned a piece of land, instead of going to the nearest public house."

"Oh. I knew that."


	5. Survivor: Grammar

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

by Juliet Norrington

Hi everyone! I'm back! ^__^ Few things to mention… The lecture March Hare is giving is from her monograph "Illness Makes the Heart Grow Fonder", and the Survivor: Grammar challenges are slightly twisted ones from the "Survivor: Voyager" series by KateORiley, which is fantastic.

-------------------------------o.O;;

Leigh rubbed her eyes and yawned, trying to stay awake. She, like half the other students, had stayed up far too late in a marathon "Survivor: Grammar" game. "Survivor: Grammar" was what happened when Inspector Lestrade stayed up all one night reading badfic and watching a "Survivor" marathon on the staff section TV. Thus the horror had been born, and KateORiley had been hired to manage it. It was a bit like learning grammar lessons at a boot camp, only slightly more humiliating. 

Students were formed into teams, and made to do impossible things such as (as Leigh was forced to go through) having a whole team shackled together and forced to run through a maze looking for ten sentences with good grammar Once they found one they then had to decide whether it was grammatically true or not. If they decided it was, they had to take it back to the start of the maze to find out for themselves. If it was good, they then only had to go to the next. If it wasn't the amount of good sentences they had to find doubled. It was rumored that today it was going to be playing Tug-o-War on a balance beam. No one was quite sure how that involved grammar, however.

Now, in "Fanfiction 411" everyone was having problems remaining awake. Normally it wouldn't have mattered so much, but Miss Juliet was on a rampage, giving out detentions for so much as sending an adoring glance Sherlock's way, and they definitely didn't want her to stick her head in the room and make them clean the toilets or something. No one was quite sure why Juliet had totally lost it, but the popular theory was that her caffeine stash had been stolen. Leigh pinched herself, and tried to concentrate on the lecture March Hare was giving. Something about Sherlock Torture...?

"As much as some wish to deny it, Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character." Here Professor Hare paused to roll her eyes. "He may be battered, bruised, whatever you wish, but in the end..." Leigh yawned, sleepiness once again washing over her. Her textbook was looking remarkably comfortable... half an hour later, a loud, shrill siren-like sound pulled her out of dreamland, and back into the land of the tortured.

"Remember," March Hare was saying as the students got to their feet, "Homework is a five-page essay titled, 'Sherlock Torture Can Be a Good Thing, But Why I Had Better Leave It To Professionals'." Mutters and groans met her ears, and the class filed out of the room. Leigh was groggily making her way to "Canon, Kanon, and the 20th Century" when Morgan Le Fay (an elf, and one of the school's few non-humans.), Issy, Seth, and Vidar caught up with her.

"Have you heard?" Vidar asked, a smile on his face.

"Heard what?" Leigh said with a yawn.

"'Kanon' is canceled!" Morgan Le Fay said happily.

"Why?" Leigh asked, taking the cup of coffee Seth poured for her from his portable thermos.  The man must have been a Boy Scout in a previous life.

"A Piano Mycroft appeared in the dining hall a few minutes ago." Issy snickered, "It snored just like him!"

"A what?" Ptashas Leri asked, walking up.

"A piano with Mycroft-like habits. It was created when someone forgot a comma or the like." Kate replied, following Ptashas.

"That's not enough to cancel Professor Russell's class." Leigh frowned. "They don't need her to help them decide where to put it." The group veered away from the classrooms and started down the stairs. It was soon apparent exactly why the class was canceled.

Mary Russell, Nona Brown, and Irene Adler were standing at the bottom of the stairs in the middle of an argument.  The rivalry between the three was infamous, and the object of their rivalry was obvious. Many of the students had surrounded them, and the five had to fight their way through to see what was really going on. Mary Russell's terrifically long hair was a ghastly shade of urple, Irene Adler's face was tinted a blinding crimsun, and Nona Brown was looking decidedly smug. (Urple was a color on loan from OFUM, and crimsun was BSFA's own signature color- a disturbing mixture of hot pink, lime green, and orange.)

"We're going to see Juliet about this!" Russell shouted.  Mistress Adler, usually quite vocal in these situations, could only nod and glare.

"So go." Nona said with a shrug, "She'll probably thank me.  You're just sore that you didn't think of it first."

"First?  I had Holmes before you did!" shrieked the theologian, towering over the diminutive Nona.  "He was mine before you were an idea in that rabbit's head!"

Nona's grin grew wider as she placed her hands on her hips in an offensive stance.  "What was the last count on the board?  Thirty-seven to five, in favor of me?"

Russell turned an alarming shade of red and clenched her fists.  Irene would have done the same, but her skin was already colored.  A catfight seemed imminent, at least until Sherlock Holmes and Professor Hare arrived, led by the student librarian, Black Rose.  

"What's going on here?" began the bunny-woman, pushing her way through the students.  "What- oh?"  Caught, Nona at least had the grace to look sheepish as Russell and Irene nearly melted in shame, caught in urple/ crimsun glory by the tall detective.

"Ah, um," Hare stuttered, giggling.  Holmes was bravely stoic, but unable to keep his mouth from quirking.  "What happened to you two?"

Both of the offended parties flung a hand in Nona's direction.  "She put urple dye in my shampoo!" cried Russell.

"And crimsun in my facial cream!" echoed Irene.

"They don't have any proof," Nona interjected in her defense.  "You can't form conclusions without evidence."  That got a full-fledged smile from Holmes, causing Professor Wings, Adele and Brink to spontaneously swoon.

Hare peered over her glasses at the irked professors.  "I don't see what you're complaining about.  I would hope that you are mature enough to take a joke."

The pair couldn't reply to that; not without embarrassing themselves.  With a final, mortified glance at Holmes, Russell and Irene turned on offended heel and marched in the general direction of Juliet's office.  Only when they were halfway down the corridor did the students and professors burst into laughter.

"Oh, heavens, that was funny!" Hare chortled helplessly.  "Did you see that face?"

"And that hair!" Holmes interjected, brushing a knuckle across his mirthfully streaming eyes.  "It suits her, I believe.  Nevertheless," he continued, composing himself, "we will investigate these proceeding and try to locate the culprit."

Hare and Nona shared a smirking glance and Leigh was suddenly struck by their similarities; the two professors might have been related.  Nona's hair was longer and darker, of course, and Hare wore glasses and was a good twenty pounds heavier, but there was an almost sisterly resemblance between the author and her character.  Hare, as if noticing the students for the first time, cast a scathing glance around the room.  "Don't you have somewhere to be?" she asked sternly.

As if on cue, the students scattered in every direction, eager to get away from the blast radius.  Once rumor had spread about the carrot cake incident, no one wanted to be around an irked Professor Hare.  After all, as fans of Monty Python already knew, and students of BSFA had quickly learned, bunnies could be dangerous.

 "What, may I ask, is so funny?" Lestrade asked from behind. Everyone stopped in his or her tracks and turned, suddenly silent. Inspector Lestrade had that exasperated look on his face and tightness in his voice he always had whenever he read a fanfic where he was portrayed as a short, chubby comic relief figure. 

"Um. Nothing. Just an inside joke." Issy managed to reply.

 "I see." He lifted one of his thin brown eyebrows and tried to look imposing. "Well, Survivor: Grammar is about to begin. I suggest you get down there, except for the two of you." He pointed to Issy and Leigh. "I had better get you down to detention, hadn't I?"

"What-" Leigh stammered.

"We don't have it until-" Issy began, but Lestrade cut them both off.

"Detention. Now." He started down the stairs. Issy and Leigh forlornly waved to their friends and followed him down the stairs.

"Geez, why's he so uptight?" Issy whispered.

"I dunno," Leigh replied. They continued down the stairs in silence. Finally he stopped at the top of a set of cold stone steps leading down to the dungeons.

"Enjoy your stay, ladies," Lestrade chirped, tipping his hat at them. The two shot the inspector a defiant stare and sulkily began down the stairs. The lighting grew darker and darker as the torches lighting the hallway grew less frequent.

"I hate detentions." Leigh muttered, "It's just plain creepy down here."  Spider webs fell from the ceilings and from somewhere came a slow dripping noise. Finally they stood in front of the door leading to Professor Moriarty's office. They looked at each other, and unconsciously reached for the other's hand. They had only seen the Professor at a distance before, in the Dining Hall and in his class, "Proper Villains and Schemes." While earlier they had brushed it off like it was nothing, now they were feeling a little… scared.

"Well, now or never." Issy said, and taking a deep breath she walked up to the ironbound door, and pushed on the handle. It slowly creaked open, shedding a small ray of light in the darkened room.

"Ah, Miss Tobias, Miss Moans, aren't you a bit early?" a soft, slightly slurred voice asked from the shadows.

"L-Lestrade sent us down here early, sir." Leigh stuttered.

"Ah, well, then, by all means, come in. I could use the company." Moriarty said, setting down a flask and sitting up. Lank grey hair hung down to his chin, framing his pale face. Pale blue eyes gave them both an up-and-down look as they slowly made their way over to the two chairs in front of him and sat down. 

"So you're the two involved with the Love Potion Number 10 incident?" he asked slowly, reaching up to cover the long thin scar they had been staring at.

"Yes, sir," Issy replied

"Don't blame you," he said moodily. "Would have done it myself if I had a chance. There's a rule that I'm not allowed to get within fifteen feet of the 'good' characters here. Did you know that?" he said, waving his flask around.

"No, si-" Leigh started.

"S'not like I ever _wanted_ to become an evil professor, you know." He sank down lower in his chair. "But my father told me it was the only way to get anywhere in the world."

"Oh rea-" Issy began.

"No one ever appreciated it, you know!" he sniffed. "No one ever came up to me and said, 'Oi, Jimmy, great job on that last bank robbery!' No one even cared."

"I'm sure someone had to," Issy said comfortingly.

"No!  No, they didn't!" He sniffed again, "It's so damn depressing to get up every day and know you're going to be defeated. To know that someone out there is going to knock you down." He shook his fist in the air.  "Damn you, Sherlock Holmes!" he shouted, and promptly burst into tears.

There was a laden pause as the girls frantically brainstormed on how to console a depressed professor.  "Well, if you didn't want to be a criminal mastermind, what did you want to be?" Leigh wondered.

Moriarty looked up from sobbing into his arms. "What… did I want to be? Do you really want to know?" Leigh nodded. "I mean really, you're not just saying that, are you?" Leigh shook her head.

"Well, I'll tell you. I always wanted to be- a lumberjack!" he said, jumping up and pulling off his robe to reveal a plaid shirt and green suspenders.

Issy squeaked as he grabbed an axe and started dancing around, singing some song about being a lumberjack and being okay. They crawled under his desk, and peeked out when they heard the door open. Liz, Professor Wings, Bookworm, Cybra, D'anjou, and J. A. entered, followed by Morerty and Morirty, who looked as shocked as mini-Hounds could be.  Dr. Watson, the escorting professor, didn't seem to be surprised in the least at the scene in front of him.  "Sooner or later they all go that way."

"What way?" J. A. asked. 

"Mad, you know. Quite mad." he said quietly, then brightened, "Which makes for the best kind of detention! I must tell Miss Juliet that one..." He laughed in a very evil, non-Watson-like manner and left, the mini-Hounds following.

"What's going on?" D'anjou asked, kneeling awkwardly beside her desk. She had put "muse" under species on the enrollment form, and was now subject to wearing a toga-like robe with a wreath of grapevines around her head and was forced to carry a small harp around with her.

"Moriarty. Alcohol." Leigh said, scooting over for Professor Wings to crawl in beside her. "He wants to be a lumberjack."

"I noticed," Cybra said, and frowned.  "He's getting the words all mixed up."

"Evil professors and alcohol should never come into contact. It's a dangerous mix." Issy said, and the others nodded glumly.

"So what are you guys here for?" Leigh asked as J. A. went over to try and talk some sense into Professor Moriarty.

"D'anjou and I tried to kidnap Holmes at Survivor: Grammar." Liz said glumly. "It didn't work out so well."

"I glomped Mycroft. He was asleep, so he was fair game." Professor Wings said with a grin. 

"Watson." Cybra admitted.

"I got in an argument with J. A." Bookworm replied glumly.

Issy smirked.  "And I guess you all know why we're here." The others grinned and nodded.

"Love Potion Number 10. Classic that, absolutely classic." Liz said, giving a thumbs-up sign.

"Lestrade decided to show his evil streak and send us down early," Leigh said and rolled her eyes. "How was 'Survivor: Grammar'?"

Cybra shrugged, "Didn't live up to last night's. They had to play 'tug-of-war' on a balance beam covered in Vaseline over a pit filled with mud, manure, and mini-hound droppings. Supposed to resemble how a reader feels when they read a fanfic with too many grammatical problems." 

"'They're tugging against the fic on a precarious beam, all the time knowing it's just going to get them nowhere' were Miss Juliet's words." Professor Wings added. "I can see it, but only if I squint. Honestly, I think she just thinks up the challenges, and attaches a grammar-related explanation onto them."

"I wouldn't be surprised." Issy replied, nodding. 

Suddenly, the door banged opened and everyone jumped in fright. A very hurried-looking Dr. Trevelyan marched in, mini-hound Trevelian in tow.  "Is Leigh Tobias down here?" He glanced around the room. Leigh squirmed out from under the desk and stood up.

"Yeah, I'm here," she replied.

"Come with me," he said.

"But I'm in detention," she replied uneasily. She had a sinking feeling in her gut about all this.

"You're excused. Come on, we're late as it is."  He beckoned impatiently. "Juliet requested you to be there an hour ago, did you not receive her message?"

"No," Leigh said, picking up her bag.

Trevelyan sighed and shook his head, "I *knew* she shouldn't have sent it with Gimlee…"

"Where did she want me to be, exactly?" Leigh asked as he hurried her out of the room and towards the stairs. Actually, she didn't mind so much to be hurried by him. He was rather adorable actually… She mentally slapped herself. Holmes. Think Holmesian thoughts. Ahh…

"In the Grand Hall. She's called an emergency staff meeting," he replied.

"But why _me_?" Leigh asked, trying to find out what the hell he was getting at.

He looked at her and smiled a very smug smile, "Apparently your little Mary-Sue has been giving us a great deal of trouble."

Leigh's stomach did a flip-flop.  _Oh, crap…_


	6. Spring Fever

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

Spring Fever has hit BSFA! Be afraid, be very afraid!

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Dr. Trevelyan marched briskly through the hall of the Academy, leaving Leigh floundering in his wake.  Leigh would have been terrified at the mysterious summons, but at that moment, she was too busy ignoring the stitch in her side to dwell on Trevelyan's last comments. 'What on earth did I do?' she wondered.  'Mary-Sue?  What the crap are they talking about?'

Her thoughts took an abrupt turn as the canonical doctor led her directly past the mini-hound guards and into the inner sanctum, the holy of holies: the Staff Wing.  Leigh gazed in fascination at the rich carpet and expensive art; it wasn't all that different from the rest of the Academy, but these halls were steeped in the tang of forbidden fruit.  Leigh was filled with a sense of delight that she had only previously known when in the ninth floor Library or making eye contact with Professor Holmes. 

Coming to the far end of the wing, Dr. Trevelyan pushed open a pair of carved double doors, revealing a large chamber with vaulted ceilings.  Floor-to-ceiling windows on the far wall flooded the room with afternoon sunlight, temporarily blinding Leigh.  When her vision cleared, the sight before her made her weak at the knees.  Nearly all of the Academy staff sat arranged at a trio of long wooden tables, all of them glaring at her in a most unnerving manner.  Miss Juliet sat squarely in the middle table, neatly dividing the professors on both sides.  March Hare and Kate O'Riley flanked the coordinator, Kate wearing her usual dour frown and even Hare's normally cheerful disposition muted in seriousness.  The Canonicals and other professors branched out from there, Holmes' face thundercloud dark and the three lady professors looking as if they had been lunching on lemons. 

Scanning the familiar faces, Leigh could not help but notice two new ones on the far end: a young woman with hazel eyes and a daunting sneer propped her feet churlishly on the table at one end.  Next to her was perched a slightly older, whip-thin woman, her back ramrod straight in her chair, fiery red curls adorning the top of her head, a jet black eyepatch crisscrossing her face, covering her right eye.  Leigh couldn't help but gulp nervously, wondering where the woman might have acquired that grisly trophy.

"Miss Tobias," snapped Miss Juliet, her voice echoing around the chamber like the crack of a whip.  Dr. Trevelyan abandoned his post at Leigh's side, moving to sit at one of the wooden tables.  Leigh was suddenly very alone, adrift amongst the blue and gold tiles that patterned the floor.  "Are we to understand," continued the coordinator, "that you are responsible for the creation of the character 'Ravyn Emerald Twilight Dusk'?"  The name twisted Juliet's mouth like a spoonful of salt and Leigh almost fainted at Holmes' angry glower.

"Y-y-y-yes," the poor student stuttered.

The tension in the room increased exponentially.  Leigh could almost smell the tightness in the air.  "Miss Tobias," Juliet began again, gesturing with her left hand.  "These two ladies on the far end of the table have some questions for you.  Agent April, Agent Ivy, the floor is yours."

The younger agent swung her legs off of the table and bored into Leigh with her piercing hazel eyes.  "When did you begin 'writing' with this character?" she snapped, lacing the word "writing" with scorn.

"Ah," Leigh began, "about six months ago, but I was-"

"KINDLY restrict your answers to yes or no questions, Miss Tobias!" interrupted the agent.

"But you asked me when I had-"

"Stick to the point!  Is the aforementioned character beautiful?"

"Yes, of course, but-"

"Does she have any character flaws?"

"I don't think so, but I-"

"How many forms of defense is she trained in?"

"Well, there's martial arts, fencing, and-"

"Yes or no answers, Miss Tobias!  Where were you on the night of Tuesday the seventeenth?"

"What does THAT have to do with anything??  The seventeenth was a Friday!"

Before the young agent could ramble on any further, the other agent spoke two words in a surprisingly deep alto.  "Ivy, enough."  Ivy fell silent and Leigh stood numbly, confused out of her mind, focused totally on the single green eye of Agent April.  "One question, please, Miss Tobias," the redhead continued in that deep tone.  "Yes or no will suffice.  Have you written anything else with that character since your arrival at the Academy?"

'How could I have written anything else?' Leigh thought angrily.  'I don't have my computer! I have hardly anything!!' However, the only word that emerged from her mouth was, "No."

Seemingly satisfied, Agent April gave a terse nod and rose to her feet.  "Professors, Mistresses and heralds of academia," she announced to the room, raising her voice.  "Our worst fears have been confirmed.  Ravyn Dusk is a sentient Sue."

The room fell silent as she dropped back down in her chair. It continued to several seconds, until everyone at the staff tables suddenly burst into conversation.

"How did she do it?" Kate O'Riley was asking Violet Hunter.

"What does this mean?" Dr. Watson was asking Holmes.

The only one not speaking was Miss Juliet. Her brow was furrowed, and she was glaring at a spot on the floor in front of Leigh, who scratched her ear and shifted her weight to her other foot.

Suddenly Juliet's gaze snapped up to her, "Leigh. Out. To your right until you get to the statue of Plato, then turn left and continue until you reach the stairs."

Leigh nodded, turned, and fled the room. Outside the closed doors, she stopped to catch her breath from the sudden sprint when an idea came to her. It looked like the whole staff was in there. Whole staff in one room. Leigh alone in the staff section.

'I wonder where Holmes' room is?' she wondered, walking over to a corridor and peering down.

Half an hour later, Leigh bolted down the hall, the mini-hounds a few yards away.  Obviously, staying to sightsee was not the greatest of ideas.  She rounded the corner and scrambled into the first door she saw. Unfortunately she didn't see the sign on the door saying, "Miss Juliet: Coordinator, and Head of… Just About Everything", which was a very big mistake. She also missed the "Do Not Disturb" sign, which was a bigger mistake.

Miss Juliet looked ready to kill. Immediately, John Hector McFarlane gathered up the papers they had been looking over and pushed them in a box. Without saying a word, he promptly left the room, glaring at Leigh as he did so.

"Um… I…"  Before Leigh had a chance to finish her sentence, there was a knock on the door. Juliet jumped up and uncaringly shoved her in an oak cupboard. Leigh attempted to make some kind of indignant noise, but before she had a chance to, something was shoved in her mouth. It was soft and round, and Leigh hoped against hope it wasn't a mini-Hound chew toy.

"Enter," Miss Juliet called. Leigh heard the door open, and scooted to look through the keyhole. A tall, handsome man in his early twenties entered the room, his shaggy, white-blond hair doing its best to hide the large, dark green eyes.  A tattered green frock coat hung on his six-foot frame as a tri-corner hat tried vainly to tame the curls.  Leigh almost assumed him to be a pirate, but there was a certain gentility about him that didn't exactly scream "bloodthirsty cutthroat."

"Lost your way from the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' universe?" Juliet asked, raising her right eyebrow.

"Ah, no," the man replied, hesitantly shuffling from one foot to the other.  "I'm the new Irregular, Horatio Landover." He shrugged unsurely.  "More commonly known as Lieutenant Horatio, I suppose. I'm the new stablemaster."

"I see." Juliet's eyebrow shot higher still. "You don't sound like an Irregular."

"Well, I can't exactly control that, can I?" he asked.  Leigh had to admit, Horatio's cultured tone was very unlike the Cockney slang of the other Irregulars.

"Have you filled out the paperwork?" said Juliet briskly.

He nodded and fished in his jacket pocket for a minute. Pulling out a bundle of papers, he stepped forward and handed them to her.

Horatio shuffled a bit more, looking as if he was about to try a two-step.  "Miss, is Miss Nona Brown anywhere around here?" he asked as Juliet glanced over his papers. "I'd really like to meet her.  She's my favorite character." 

Juliet glanced up in time to catch the fangirlish smile on his face before it managed to hide it.  "We do not approve of fangirl-ness among our staff," she frowned.

"Yes, Miss Juliet."

"No glomping."

"Yes, Miss Juliet."

"No love notes."

"Yes, Miss Juliet."

"In that case, report to Commodore Lysander and Sir Percival.  They will show you around and direct you to the stables.  Dismissed." 

Horatio, looking a little bewildered, nodded and left. Leigh spit out the wad in her mouth, only to realize that it was, indeed, a mini-hound chew toy. She felt slightly nauseous, but managed to choke it back and poke her head out from the cupboard.

"What was that all about?" she demanded.

"I am expecting someone else. Had that been the person I was expecting, there is no doubt in my mind that you would have been very seriously injured." She glared at Leigh, who shrank back.

"Why?" she asked from inside the cupboard.

"It is Inspector Lestrade's job to read all the fanfiction in our domain. He was reading yours this morning, catching up on the adventures of Miss Dusk." Juliet smiled. It was never a good thing when Juliet smiled.

Leigh shuddered. "Well, why didn't you just leave me out in the open so he could get me?" she asked, poking her head out again.

"I need you to remain alive for the rest of the school year, but I will make you pay." The smile grew wider.

"Doing… what?" Leigh ventured to ask.

"Two weeks worth of daily Survivor: Grammar and toilet-cleaning duty. And all the mini-Hounds need their teeth cleaned. Do that now. I'm afraid some of them may have gingivitis, and I don't want that to get worse."

It was a very tired and a very sore Leigh that dragged herself to the Dining Hall the next morning. She was covered with slobber and dried toothpaste, along with a nice mixture of cuts and bruises.

"Whoa… what happened to you?" Seth asked as she took a seat beside him, dropping her book bag down at her feet.

"Went to a meeting. Got pestered with questions about my character. Tried to find Holmes' room. Mini-hounds thought I was an escapee that had managed to get into the staff section. Started chasing me. Ran into Miss Juliet's office. She stuffed a mini-hound chew toy in my mouth and told me Lestrade read my fanfic. Apparently he wants to kill me. Instead spent all night cleaning mini-Hounds' teeth." Leigh mumbled between mouthfuls of cold eggs and half-cooked toast. Everyone at the table winced.

"Ouch," Issy said, reaching out and patting her on a non-injured section of her back.

Leigh nodded glumly.  "You have absolutely no idea."

"What was the meeting about?" Sigerson asked, nibbling on a piece of bacon.

"Oh. Um." Leigh blushed. "My character, you know, Ravyn Dusk."

"Ah…"

"Say… can I read your fanfic sometime?" Seth asked.

Leigh blushed, "I'd rather you didn't," she mumbled, not wanting Seth, the Grand High Poobah of Canonical Sherlockania, to see how many facts she had screwed.

"No, really. Please? I won't make fun of you," he wheedled.

"Fine, fine." She was really too tired to argue about anything right then. "First class starts in a few. I'm going to go change."

"Get clean soon!" Skybright Daye called in the same manner one would say, "Get well soon."

"Thanks." Leigh rolled her eyes and dragged herself up the stairs.

Ten minutes later she raced into the class room and collapsed down into a seat next to Monroe Wallace and Beriani the shadow elf, both who looked a little bored. In fact, the whole class looked a little put-out, probably due to the fact that neither Holmes nor Watson was teaching. John Hector McFarlane and Dr. Trevelyan swept in a few minutes later, Professor McFarlane looking nervious and Dr. Trevelyan wearing an extremely peeved look he had picked up from Miss Juliet. Trevlian and McFarelane, their mini-Hound counterparts, followed them in and growled at the class.

"Welcome back to 'Two-Dimensional Characters 101'." John Hector McFarlane said, looking around the class. "I trust you all have your homework assignments?"

"What? We had homework?" Solatium asked Chronos Keeper. "You didn't tell me that!""Payback for when you 'forgot' to tell me we had some in 'Basic Canon Romance', maybe?!" Chronos Keeper snapped back."Sorry… geez… touché…" Solatium muttered."When the two of you have finished, perhaps we can go on?" Dr. Trevelyan asked, raising his right eyebrow. The two blushed and sunk down in their seats."Today we're going to talk about how to keep a 2D character 2D, and not dropped down to 1D or brought up to 3D." Professor McFarlane began. "When creating your 2D character, be sure to describe their appearance fully. Give them a full name, give their family members names. Give them an age, and a profession." "Make sure they have some kind of a background." Dr. Trevelyan picked up. "Otherwise it will seem that we don't know enough about them. However, be sure to leave much about them a mystery. Give them a gesture, a blemish, an oddity that you don't know where it came from or why it's there. Don't pour so much detail into them that they become a living, breathing person. It takes a perfect balance to make a perfect 2D character.""Very well put, Doctor." Professor McFarlane admired."Thank you, sir." Dr. Trevelyan nodded. 

The next day found Leigh in the library, trying to study for the test in "Romance and the Original Character", when Nona came barreling through the doors.  Despite her long skirts, her stride gave no illusions to her modern upbringing.  Leigh set her textbook up in front of her as a makeshift foxhole.  Professor Brown was normally a pleasant person, but she had her days.  BAD days.

"MARCH!" she called, storming up to her author's desk, "This weirdo keeps following me around." Nona jerked her thumb in the direction of the starry-eyed Lieutenant Horatio trailing six feet behind her. "He can't seem to get the fact that I'm TAKEN!"

"I'm sorry," Horatio mumbled, his pale cheeks turning a flaming red color and his eyes focused on his feet. "It's just you're such a wonderful character… I stayed six feet away like Professor Holmes said…"  Just to be sure, he took a cautious step back.

Nona was not appeased.  "Why don't you find a more suitable lust object?  Professor Moriarty might be more your type!" With that Parthian shot, she stomped away.

Horatio was crestfallen.  Nona wasn't a lust-object, he just admired her.  Apparently, though, she wouldn't give him the time of day.  Shaking his head sadly, he sank into one of the chairs at a table and contemplated his worn boots.  "Couldn't lust after him if I wanted to," Horatio said to his boots, irony thick in his Oxbridge voice.  "He's taken."

"Taken? By who?" March Hare asked, coming to stand by the disheartened stablemaster.

Horatio glanced up, aware of the librarian's presence for the first time.  "Oh!  I don't know who, just some… one…"

"Hmm."  Professor Hare scratched a long ear absentmindedly, unsure on whether or not that was a good thing.  "Well.  I'm sorry about Nona, Lieutenant.  She hasn't been having the greatest of days.  That time of the month, you see."

Horatio couldn't tear his eyes away, truly seeing March Hare for the first time. He froze stock-still, barely breathing, his jaw hanging slightly slack and his eyes darting from one long bunny ear to the other.  To the uneducated, he was having an apoplectic fit.  To Leigh, he was absolutely twitterpated.

March was oblivious to Horatio's sudden emotion.  Hoping to cheer the man up, she smiled brightly, planted a friendly kiss on his forehead, picked up a pile of books, and disappeared behind a shelf. Horatio remained rooted to the seat where she left him, his heart aglow with a thousand suns.  Ears… long bunny ears… 

He smiled widely to himself.  "I think I'm in love."

"Lemmie get this straight… she _kissed_ your _'ead_?" Sir Percival asked. The three were sitting on the gabled roof of the academy throwing pebbles at the students below. After leaving the library, Horatio had raced to find them and had spilled the whole story.

"Yes..." Horatio said dreamily.

"Oooh… she must really like you a lot, mate." Commodore Lysander said, nodding.

"You think?" Horatio asked, looking quickly from one to another.

"Oh, sure, it's an 'istorical tradition in the line of fluffy bunnies," the Commodore nodded seriously, "only done to people 'aye think very 'ighly of."

"So… does this mean… I should try…?" Horatio asked hopefully.

"o'course!" Sir Perce replied. "An' go for the works- Shakespeare, roses, chocolate, the whole shebangs."

"Of course… thank you very much!  Do you know where I could find a complete volume of Shakespeare's works?" Horatio asked, jumping to his feet. His dark green eyes were shinning with anticipation.

"I think Miss Jul-ette 'as one." Sir Perce offered.

"Yes, of course… thank you again!" Horatio called, scrambling over the roof in his haste to begin.

"Poor blighter." Commodore Lysander grinned. "Goin' to go make a fool of 'imself 'round the 'ole 'cademy."

"At's wot 'e gets for bein' older 'an us!" Sir Percival snorted.  "Walkin' 'round the 'ole 'cademy thinkin' 'e owns the place, just cause 'e's twenty-two, an' we's only seventeen and fourteen."

"Bah.  Snooty ex-pirate." Commodore Lysander nodded in agreement and they threw the pebbles in their hands, hitting Chronos Keeper and Leigh square on the heads.

"Ow! Stop it up there!" Leigh yelled, rubbing her head. All she got in reply were snickers and more pebbles. The two girls quickened their pace, heading for the large old oak tree that was the new hang out spot, ever since the unfortunate accident with chemicals a couple weeks ago.

"Hey, Leigh!  Up here!" Seth called from one of the higher branches.  Leigh rolled her eyes and climbed up to sit next to him.

"So, I read your fic," he said.

"…and?" she asked, kicking the branch.

"I really liked it!"

Leigh looked up and blinked.  "What?"

"I really liked it!" he repeated. "It was really fun! Ravyn's such a great character, and it's just… I don't know, I loved it!"

"Are you serious?" she asked. "You're not just fooling with me or anything, are you?"

"No way, the professors have got it totally wrong. Ravyn's no Mary-Sue!" Seth grinned.

"Wow." Leigh grinned back and bit her bottom lip, noticing for the first time how cute it was when Seth smiled, his nose always crinkled just so, and he had the loveliest eyes…  "Gee, thanks."

Leigh vowed to make Seth smile much more often.

That dusk, in the stables a tall blond irregular was currying a black gelding, softly loosening all the dirt and grime that had gathered on the small horse's neck.

"So what do you think?" he asked the horse. "Was it romantic enough? It was the longest sonnet in the back of the book."  The gelding looked at him in reproach.  "That bad, huh?" The animal rolled his eyes at Horatio, agreeing. "I guess you're right," the ex-pirate sighed. "I just don't understand this Shakespeare thing. It's pretty enough to read and watch, but I just can't see myself going up to someone and saying stuff like that." He made a face. "But if that's what it takes, then I'll do it, for…" His hand continued in the same steady movement along the horse's neck as he tried to remember the words.

"O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

"It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night

"Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear;

"Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!

"So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows,

"As yonder lady o'er her fellows shows.

"The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand,

"And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.

"Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!

"For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."  He laughed quietly.  "Was that better?" The gelding gave him a look.

"What did I say about fangirlishness?" a tired and very, very annoyed voice asked.

Caught, Horatio spun around to see Miss Juliet leaning in the doorway to the stall he was in.  "Yes- sorry- I-" he stammered.

"I'm sure not so sure Nona would be exactly ecstatic about your reciting love poems to her, especially after the little fit she threw in the library."  She glared at him, but it was only a Level-Two Death-Glare, thus making him a little weak in the knees instead of a quivering mass of jelly. "You're a braver man than I am," the headmistress intoned.  Normally, this would be funny, since the headmistress was not a man at all, but Horatio knew better than to laugh.  One usually learned quickly when governed by Miss Juliet.

"Yes, well," he coughed and exchanged his curry comb for a soft brush. "Nona was not the one I was thinking of."

"Oh. She wasn't." Juliet rolled her eyes, seemingly uncaring.  "Who was it then?  Mary Russell?"

"No, not exactly," he blushed.

"Irene Adler?"

"Er, no."

"It's not Mrs. Hudson, is it?"

"No."

"Well, who then?" she asked impatiently.

"Professor Hare," he mumbled.

"WHAT?" Juliet yelped in disbelief.

"I'm sorry! I can't help it!" He said, taking a step back.

"No, it's not that, it's just… why March?" she asked.  Juliet could scarcely believe it.  March Hare was a good friend, an intelligent professor and always did a bang-up job with a Mary-Sue, but Juliet had trouble seeing her as a lust-object when there was Nona Brown and Irene Adler.

Horatio's green eyes grew unfocused as he pictured his love.  "It's the ears… the soft ears flowing down her back in waves of fuzzy warmth. And the way she pushes her glasses up her nose and picks up those huge stacks of books. It's no easy matter, and I ought to know. And she's so smart…" He sighed dreamily, not realizing that Juliet was nearly at her boiling point.

He was pulled out of his happy daydreams by two very simple words spoken in a very frightening voice.  "I see."

Even with the three inch heel combat boots she was wearing, Juliet was still a full two inches smaller than he was. Now, however, it felt like he was a full two feet smaller than she was.

"I cannot believe this! I'm TRYING to run an academy devoted to turning these drooling fangirls into decent fanfiction writers with a respect for Canon.  I force it into their heads again and again, and just when I think they might have possibly begun to understand in the smallest possible sense- WHAM! Spring fever hits!" She clapped, and Horatio jumped. "The glompings go up again! We have to return to the very beginning, and the staff certainly isn't helping!" She sent a glare his way, and he looked down at his feet and blushed again. "I don't know what I'm going to do with all of you! Nona and Holmes sneaking away at every possibility!  Watson and Mary keeping everyone awake at all hours!  I mean, even Moriarty's got a girlfriend!" she snarled.  "I ask you, since WHEN does Professor Moriarty have girlfriends?!"

"Since now?" Horatio supplied helpfully. Bad idea.

"THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!" she exploded, uncrossing her arms and putting them on her camo-pants clad hips. Horatio was suddenly struck by how closely she resembled a drill sergeant at that moment. Only scarier.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked in a small voice a few seconds later.

"Where's Monday's Tierce?" she snapped.

"Suzy Blue? Isn't she in the Garth Nix Universe?" he asked, confused

"My. Horse's. Name. Is. Monday's. Tierce." Juliet spat through her teeth. "Palomino mare. Seventeen hands. White socks. White star on her forehead."

"Oh! Tierce! Down the hall, in the largest stall on the right." he pointed. She nodded, and stalked off.

"Angry, isn't she?" He dropped the soft brush and picked up a mane comb. The horse bobbed his head in agreeance and Horatio chuckled.

It was dusk, and ten girls were lurking in the bushes waiting for Holmes.  Unsurprisingly, Nona and Holmes had slipped away from the staff table early, much to the displeasure of the Holmes Hounders.  They were now waiting to, as they put it, "make Nona share."

"Okay, girls," Charlie Adams whispered. "Here he comes… ugh, being all lovey-dovey with Nona."  Indeed, Sherlock Holmes and his fiancée strolled down the garden path, their heads bent close to each other as they conversed.  Charlie scowled darkly, as did the rest of the girls with her.

"On three?" Carolinus Took asked in a hushed tone, and everyone nodded at the small hobbit who, oddly enough, slightly resembled Pippin Took of the "Lord of the Rings" universe.

"One." Everyone grew silent.

"Two." They crouched to leap as the couple drew near.

"THREE!" The girls leapt out of the bushes and made a mad dash for the detective. Less than ten seconds later, they were lying on their backs with slightly dazed looks on their faces and a number of forming bruises.

"What the hell just happened?" Leigh managed, checking to see if her back was broken.

"Observation and deduction, I'm afraid," Nona smirked.  "You failed to observe the five mini-hounds following us."  With that, she and Holmes continued on their way, the detective tipping his hat in mock-courtesy as he stepped over a moaning Danric-Lover.

Leigh let her head fall back onto the grass.  "I think our attack plan needs a little work."

On the other side of the school, five of the Watson Wanters has set up their own trap.

"Steady now… here he comes…" Issy whispered as Dr. Watson and his wife Mary walked through the corridor, her head on his shoulder.

"Aww, don't they look sweet?" Guin Sparrow asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"NOW!" Issy shouted, and the five girls made a run for Watson. However, before they reached him, Cybra spotted Valtinen Erik K standing a few feet away.

"TRAITOR!" She yelled, and changed to pace towards the only student who had called Watson an idiot on the enrollment form. Every other Watson Wanters' head was turned, and but none of them made a move to follow her. They turned back to look at Watson, and continued on their path to glomp him. Issy had almost made it, when two hands grabbed her and threw her down a small flight of stairs. The other girls landed with groans around her.

Mary Watson, her hands on her hips, was glaring down at them.  "John. Is. Mine," she said, and Issy could have sworn it was a snarl if it wasn't for the smile on her face while she said it. She turned back to Watson and they continued their walk as if they had never been interrupted.

"Yeah, sure," Guin Sparrow said weakly.  "He's all yours.  At least until we find some aspirin."

And down in the dungeons below, Professor Moriarty was bidding a very fond farewell to… someone.

Yes, spring fever had definitely hit BSFA.


	7. The Plot Thickens

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy

By Juliet Norrington

I'm not dead! Just an awful procrastinator and someone who got bitten by two re-e-e-ally awful original story plot bunnies. o.O Anyway, here's chapter seven it's all it's glory. .

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Leigh yawned, and raced down the stairs. "Crapcrapcraaap...." she grumbled. Not even noon and her day was in a downward spiral. It had been a full moon last night and the mini-Hounds had been serenading until moonset to everyone annoyance, also the Irregulars had found a new pastime: leaving nasty things in peoples' rooms. Last week Leigh had awoken to the sound of Charlie Adams running out of the room clutching a small urple gnome. However, the most important and disconcerting fact was that the entire staff was on edge since the deal with Ravyn. Leigh was understandably worried, but couldn't help but feel annoyed. How could such a wonderful character as Ravyn be dangerous? Besides, they were safe in the Academy with Agent April and Agent Ivy on guard, weren't they?

Once reaching the bottom she ran down the hall, skidded for a minute, then turned and ran into the already-packed Auditorium. A quick glance at the front of the room, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yo! Leigh!" Issy called, and waved. "Over here!" Leigh made her way over and dropped down into the seat next to Issy as the bell rang, signaling that anyone now entering the room was going to have to join Survivor: Grammar that afternoon.

"I didn't think I was going to make it." She said, pulling her bag off her shoulder.

"Where were you last night?" Issy asked.

"Well, after the Survivor: Grammar game I was heading up to our dorm when I stepped in one of Commodore Lysander's 'Mary-Sue traps'." Leigh explained, and Issy winced. "Yeah, so I spent a couple hours dangling from the ceiling, and then KID came by and cut me down. But that ended up setting off that alarm that Ivy and Violet Hunter were working on yesterday... did you hear it?"

Issy nodded, "I woke up when it went off. I'm glad it did because I caught Captain Edwards and Inspector Fitzwilliam putting a dead mole under your bed."

Leigh shuddered. "Anyway, Professor Hare came down and cleared everything up, and I headed up to bed. That was about three or four this morning, and about the time I realized that I hadn't gotten that new book for 'Fanfiction 411' and 'An Introduction to Fanfiction'." She sighed, "So I went up to the library to get it. As I was leaving Seth called me over and asked me for help on his 'Writing 101' homework."

"_Seth_ asked _you_ for help on his _homework_?" Issy asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, I know, scary, huh? Anyway I said sure, and we worked it out. It really took some doing, though." She frowned and pulled a piece of paper out of her bag. "He was supposed to write a paragraph with a conflict, a stream of fire, a sword, and fiery demon, remember that one?" Leigh asked, and Issy nodded.

"Listen, this is what he wrote:

'_Avast, foul demon! Thou shall not pass!' The warrior cried. He then waved his sword in a very menacing manner. The demon was not impressed, and roared again. It was a very loud roar, and along with the ear-shattering sound came a stream of fire. The warrior held up his shield to protect himself from the stream of fire. However, the shield was made of wood and caught fire very easily. The warrior, feeling the flames, cried out in pain and shook off the flaming shield._"

"Well... uhh... the grammar's good, but... that's crap!" Issy said and shook her head. "Seth wrote that? Seth, the only straight-A student at BSFA, wrote that?"

"Crazy, huh? I mean, he's so smart!" Leigh put the paper back in her bag "It took a while to get a good paragraph out of it." She shrugged, "I guess it was just really late and he had writers block or something."

"I guess," Issy said doubtfully.

"Hey, Leigh, what's this seminar about?" Embyr asked.

Leigh shrugged offhandedly. "No idea. All I know is Holmes is teaching it."

The young teenager frowned, giving her face a sour-lemonesque appearance. "I was in the staff section looking for Horatio's room when that Bohemian Count-"

"King," Seth corrected, sitting down behind Leigh.

"King, whatever, told me I'd better run for it 'cause Horatio was in a meeting and I was supposed to be in a seminar." One of the school's few Irregular-Luster's shoulders sagged.

Someone behind the group stomped. "Horatio was in a meeting?!" the high-pitched voice squealed. "As in, not in the staff section? I wish I'd known! I'd have recited that poem I wrote for him last night."

Embyr turned around to glare at the other Horatio Luster, "And I suppose it was written on Lilac scent paper with the typical purple prose?" She rolled her eyes.

"Of course not!" Marie Greenleaf said haughtily, pulling out a heavily scented piece of paper. "I would never stoop to such levels! Its sea-air scented." She sniffed the paper and sighed happily. "I thought it'd remind him of being out at sea."

"It's more likely to remind him of taking orders and being given forty lashes." Embyr muttered.

Marie opened her mouth to reply when the door opened and Holmes, Watson, and the inevitable fleet of mini-Hounds entered.

"Good morning." Watson said solemnly, his usual smile gone and a stern look in its place. Holmes didn't even bother to greet the students, he simply stalked to the middle of the room and glared at them, his disgust only matched by his anger.

"Due to all the students' attempts to play matchmaker, Miss Juliet has asked Watson and myself to educate you on this so-called 'slash' in our canon," he stated, and glared again. Half the students groaned in disgust and the other half sat up in their seats.

"Yes," Watson said picking up where Holmes stopped, "First off, who here was written slash?" Half the students' hands went up, some proudly, some hesitantly, some holding up their hands while they hid their faces.

"Ah," Holmes murmured, looking a little queasy "This is going to be harder than we thought." He sighed. "Let me make it quite clear that I have, nor will ever have, romantic feelings for Dr. Watson, and he, in turn, has none for me."

"What about that whole Devil's Foot thing? You called him John!" Mateem Bluewing called.

"That was in the Granada series, you idiot!" Hank Riddle, another of the Academy's few male students called, "He NEVER called him John in the books!"

Holmes raised his eyebrow and glanced at Watson in an "I'm too cool to be impressed but that was pretty good for this group of bozos" way.

"What about that 'knocked up' line? That's in the canon!" Lady Russell Holmes called.

"It obviously means something different, you flurb! Take the time period into consideration!" Monroe Wallace answered angrily.

"Flurb?! Why you-" Lady Russell Holmes tackled Monroe Wallace and hell then proceeded to break loose.

Suddenly ignored, Holmes and Watson climbed up onto the desk to avoid the randomly flying punches.

"Should we do something about this?" Watson yelled over the din.

"Why?" Holmes asked innocently.

Watson shrugged. "Only wondering."

Suddenly both doors flew open and everyone froze in mid-swing. Only Miss Juliet opened doors that way. However, the man in the doorway was anything but Miss Juliet. He was tall, possibly as tall as or taller than Holmes. A mop of dark brown hair sat atop his head and his dark blue eyes were half-hidden behind the locks. He was dressed in a long black trenchcoat and black combat boots. He raised his right eyebrow and glanced around the room.

An amused expressed crossed his face, "As you were," he said carelessly and waved his hand. The students went back to their brawl and the man leaned in the doorway and smirked.

Black Rose ran past him, Zinedine on her heel waving a black studded belt over her head. Damian, completely absorbed in watching Black Rose run for her life from the scary-looking Zinedine that he didn't notice when Holmes and Watson had come up and flanked him.

Damian shook his head, "Of all the schools I could have stopped at, I had to choose the loony bin." He turned to face a stern-looking Holmes and Watson. "Er... are you the heads of this fine establishment?" he asked, and stuck out his hand. "Damian. Please to meet you."

"Doctor John Watson," Watson said and avoided shaking his hand.

"Sherlock Holmes." Holmes glared at him. "What do you want?"

"Well, what I really need is-!" Both doors flew open and everyone again froze. Damian darted behind an overturned table.

Miss Juliet stood in the doorway, her hands on her hips and a glare on her face. The students slowly began to quietly untangle themselves as she walked over to Holmes and Watson with barely-controlled anger.

"Professor Holmes. Dr. Watson. Could you please make the students be a LITTLE quieter? I'm TRYING to explain to the Irregulars why reciting poetry outside someone's window at two AM is a bad idea, but it's rather difficult with all the noise. Also, why the hell is the Heart of Gold been parked outside my window for the past three hours?" Innocent whistling came from behind the table Damian was hiding behind. Miss Juliet stalked over and pulled him up by his ear.

"Hel-low," He whistled leeringly.

"What do you want? Make it quick and then get out." Miss Juliet put her other had on her hip.

"Well I WAS looking for the head of this joint but you'll do fine," He smirked.

She rolled her eyes, "I expect you're Damian the Fell."

His jaw dropped, "How the hell did you know?"

Juliet snorted "All the Official Fanfiction University heads were alerted the moment you stole the Heart of Gold, and everyone in the known universe has been trying to find you ever since you first set foot in the Literary World." She smirked.

"Listen." He said, pulling her hand off his ear and straightening his collar. "Listen I-"

"Come with me." She spun on her heel and headed out of the room, Damian following looking a little less confident than when he had first walked in. The doors closed with a loud banging noise behind them. All the students turned to look at Holmes and Watson.

"A one thousand word essay describing your views on the subject of slash. Cite three sources. Dismissed." The bell rang, and everyone began picking up their books, papers, and pieces of clothes that had been ripped off.

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Leigh slowly started up the stairs for what seemed like the millionth time that day. After the seminar that morning Agent Ivy had dragged her up to the staff section to be "toeprinted", and at lunch the whole school had been forced to evacuate the Dining Hall because Guin Sparrow and Charlotte Smullyan had planted stink bombs under the tables in a desperate attempt to kidnap Watson and Holmes. Leigh rolled her eyes at the memory. And then, to top it all off, Damian the Fell, the interdimensional thief, _Damian the Fell_, had just been hired as Head of Scholarly Discipline, despite how much Juliet seemed to loathe him. Wonder how he managed it? She mused.

"LEIGH! LEIGH!!" Seth called, racing up the stairs.

"What?" she asked, turning to look at him. His clothes were a mess, there was urple paint on the edges of his robe, and he had leaves and pine straw in his hair.

"Come with me! Hurry!" He grabbed her hand and dragged her down the stairs and out the side door.

"Seth! Wait! I'll be late for 'Decent Character Traits'! SETH!!" Leigh cried as she was dragged across the extensive grounds.

"Listen! This is important!" Seth said through gasps for air. "I was chasing Sir Percival -he stole 'Great Facts for Great Minds' from me- and then I saw this person down on the Survivor: Grammar playing field. They were wearing a silver-and-green cloak and were writing something in urple paint. I ran over to see what was going on, but before I had a chance to find out who it was they raced off into the woods. All I could see was that they had long golden blond hair with lilies entwined in her hair."

Leigh gulped. "Did she have a lily on the back of her cloak?"

"Yeah, why?" Seth asked.

"N-no reason..." she replied and gulped again. _Aw crap... that sounds like Ravyn..._

"Anyway, I ran through looking for them but I couldn't see them, but look what I found!" He stopped, and Leigh shook her head to figure out where they were. Across a corner of the Survivor: Grammar playing field was a message written in large, bold, urple letters.

**NONA IS A BIG, FAT MARY-SUE!**

Leigh gasped, "We better go get Miss Juliet!" She turned to race back up the hill but Seth grabbed her hand before she had a chance to go.

"What? Are you _crazy_? Tell Miss Juliet and bring her wrath down on you? Do you know what she would do to you?" Seth said, raising his left eyebrow.

"Well..." Leigh started.

"She'd _kill_ you! She'd lock you down in the dungeon with Moriarty all year and only let you come out to play Survivor: Grammar and for the mini-Hounds birthdays!" He gently pulled her around and put his hands on her shoulders. "Let someone else be foolish enough to tell her about it, Leigh. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Leigh's knees turned into overcooked noodles and she nodded. "Okay." She grinned. "Okay."

"Good." He smiled and took her hand. "Let's get back to the school, okay?"

She nodded, still grinning like an idiot, "Okay." They started walking towards the school.

"Seth! Leigh! What are you doing here?" asked Nona Brown as she walked out of the Preparations Room, a large wire crate in her arms. She was wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans for the first time (that Leigh knew of) and was covered with chicken feathers and small pieces of snakeskin. In the crate were more chicken feathers and a long, large, black snakeskin. Leigh shuddered and tried very, very hard not to think about what the next Survivor: Grammar was going to be like.

"_Shit_..." Seth growled through his teeth and let go of Leigh's hand. "Nothing, Professor, I lost my book and Leigh was helping me look for it. Now if you'll excuse us." He said in an aggravated voice.

"Did you find... what's that?" Her eyes darted from the urple paint behind him to the paint on his robes. "Come with me." She set down the crate and headed for the playing field.

"But Professor, we're late for-"

"With me." Nona cut her off. They reached the field, Nona's jaw clamped shut and some of the color left her cheeks.

"What happened here?" She asked, and Seth recited his story for her.

"When we got down here Leigh and I decided that this was someone that should be for Juliet's eyes and ears only. Therefore, we agreed to take it straight to her and not to any of the lesser staff members. May we go now? As Leigh tried to say we are EXTREMELY late for our classes. We had planned to take this straight to Juliet but as you've seen it now, you can take it to her." Seth said, narrowing his eyes. He grabbed Leigh's hand and dragged her off. Once they were out of Nona's earshot he dropped her hand and muttered something under his breath.

"Seth? Why'd you tell her that we were going to Miss Juliet about that?" Leigh asked, a little confused. Why was he so angry? She had never known him to be so borderline rude to any of the other professors before.

"Well, if I didn't she'd suspect something, wouldn't she?" Seth said and shrugged. "Seemed the safest way to go."

"Oh."

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

That afternoon in "Basic Sleuthing Techniques 101" as Holmes was demonstrating the correct way to follow footprints, the door banged open and Inspector Lestrade walked in.

"I need Leigh Tobias and a Seth Nix," he frowned. Leigh and Seth glanced at each other in an "Oh-Crap-We're-In-For-It" way and started collecting their things. They followed Lestrade up the stairs, past the mini-Hounds, and into the staff section. Further down the staff hallway, he suddenly opened a door and pushed them in. It was small and dark, the only furniture was a table, four chairs, and a lamp on the table.

"Sit," he ordered, and they sat. "I'll get April and Ivy." He said, closing the door behind him.

"Oh _crap_..." Leigh groaned and put her head in her hands.

"What?" Seth asked.

"April and Ivy are the PPC agents that keep questioning me about Ravyn. Every other night Ivy's waking me up and asking if Ravyn ever ate peanut butter or something equally stupid. And April's just _mean_." She groaned again.

"PPC agents?" Seth muttered. "Oh shitshitshit_shit_."

The door swung open and April and Ivy walked in. April sat down and Ivy clicked on the lamp and swung it to shine in Leigh and Seth's eyes.

"Now. We have a few questions to ask you, if you don't mind." Ivy began.

"Of course we-" Seth started hotly, and Leigh kicked him in the shin.

"-don't mind," he finished and rubbed his leg.

"Good." She smiled. "Now, Seth, will you please tell us how you came to find the graffiti?"

"Yeah, whatever," Seth sighed and began to explain what happened for the third time that day. "We left Professor Brown there and went straight to class."

"Why did you drag Leigh over to see it and not go straight to Miss Juliet?" Ivy asked, and raised her left eyebrow.

"I was in 'Correct Chemicals' right before I saw it," Seth shrugged, "I wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming or something. It's happened before. Once, after that class, I thought I saw Professor Moriarty and Elmira Gulch leave one of the empty classrooms." He said

April spoke up, "How do you know that was a hallucination?"

"Because she was wearing a black negligee and all his clothes were wrinkled or put on wrong." Ivy cracked up and April shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Leigh, did the person Seth described to you sound like Ravyn?" April asked.

"Yes, ma'am." Leigh replied, surprised.

"What made you think that?" Ivy asked, getting over her fit of giggles.

"The lilies in her hair and the lily on her cloak." She said.

"Excuse me?" April leaned forward. "You've never mentioned lilies before."

Leigh shrugged, "You never asked." There was a pause.

"Well?" Ivy asked impatiently.

"Why don't you just read the story?" Leigh asked. "I have a copy if you want."

Ivy and April glared at her, "Do you really think that we would sink so low as to actually read a crapfic of this nature when we can just as easily obtain the information from you?" April asked.

"Yeah, and besides it's over forty pages long, we don't have time to read it!" Ivy added

and April glared at her. "What'd I say?"

April shook her head, "Nothing, Ivy, nothing."

"Can we go now?" Seth asked.

"No. Leigh, what do the lilies mean?" April asked.

Leigh took a deep breath, "Well, I had just finished watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail',"

"Oh I LOVE that movie!!" Ivy exclaimed.

"IVY!" April snapped.

"Sorry." The offender muttered.

"Anyway," Leigh continued, "I had just finished watching it and, no offence, but I thought it was really stupid but there was this one cool thing I noticed- they all had their little symbol thingies. I thought that since Ravyn was like a knight in a way, she should have her own symbol thing. I like lilies, so that became Ravyn's thing, and her nickname. Holmes calls her Lily a lot." April and Ivy twitched.

"Ick. Bad mental image." Ivy said. "I need a spork."

April turned off the lamp and pushed a button on the wall. "Ivy, go inspect the field. Meet me in Juliet's office when you're done." She got to her feet.

"Aye, aye, April!" Ivy saluted the older woman and left the room.

"Leigh, Seth, Lieutenant Horatio will be in here in a few minutes to take you down to the Dining Hall. If either of you dare to try to escape now or while with him..." She left it hanging, and both nodded fearfully. "Good." Nodding briskly, she left without further comment.

"Stupid PPC agent," Seth grumbled, slumping in his seat. "Only reason April's here is because she left the Lord of the Rings department after that one paring. Squicked beyond the use of bleach."

"What ship was it?" Leigh asked. Seth leaned over and whispered the answer in her ear. Immediately, Leigh blanched white and got a little faint-headed.

"I told you," he said in a low voice.

Suddenly, the door swung over and Lieutenant Horatio strolled in. He was dirty, smelly, and had pieces of straw stuck all over him, obviously fresh from the stables.

"Oh, it's you," he said pleasantly. "Do you mind if we stop off at my room before we go down?" He motioned to his stained clothing.

"Please," Leigh said, wrinkling her nose.

"What on earth have you been doing?" Seth asked as he and Leigh got to their feet and followed Horatio out the door.

"Just finished mucking out the stables," he muttered. Halfway down the hallway they ran into Sir Percival and Commodore Lysander, both of the Irregulars snickering under their breath.

"What did you do?" Horatio asked with suspicion.

"Oh... notin'..." They looked at each other and grinned.

"Oh," Horatio looked like he didn't believe them. "I thought you'd maybe put something in someone's room again."

"Oh, roight. No, we 'aven't been doin' notin' like that," Commodore Lysander replied, and Sir Percival nodded.

"Well, if you say so..." Horatio replied, still looking as though he didn't believe them.

Continuing along the passage, the three walked out into the staff's Uncommon Room, a large circular area furnished with sofas and tables for grading, research and the occasional mid-class snack. Lining the walls, interspersed with lush tapestries, were doors to the staff members' respective rooms. Many of the Canonicals were milling around in the lull between classes and Horatio tried to avoid them as much as possible as he headed to a door on the far side of the room. However, before he got there a very irate Holmes and a very lovestruck Marie caught up with him. Marie instantly attached herself to Horatio's leg, and Leigh could have sworn she heard purring.

"Horatio, am I to understand that you 'mucked out' the entire stables _by yourself_?" Holmes snapped.

"Aye, sir, I just finished." The lieutenant looked down at himself, ignoring the leech-like fangirl attached to his smelly trouser leg. "As you see."

"Horatio, how many times must I tell you something before it finally makes its way through your thick head?" Holmes sighed and shook his head. "That was what the STUDENTS are for! You should have made them do it!" He crossed his arms. "Whenever I try to tell you something it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall... if this happens again I'm going to Miss Juliet."

Horatio hung his head. "Yes, sir," he replied in a small voice.

Marie detached herself from Horatio's kneecaps and lay in shock for a moment. Suddenly, her eyes narrowed, she got to her feet, and made a beeline for Holmes. Moving too quickly for the detective, she ducked around behind him and pulled up the back of his dress jacket.

"What in blazes are you...!" Holmes began, but stopped suddenly as the rabid fangirl rudely shoved her hand down his pants and pulled up on the end of a pair of very white underdrawers. In the beginning he seemed all right except for a slight twitch in his right eye. However, a few seconds later, a muscle in his jaw began to twitch and Leigh could hear him grinding his teeth from the yard or so away she stood. Finally a look of pain and disbelief fell upon the detective's face as Marie gave him a very cold, evil glare. Horatio bore a look of horror on his face, and Seth and Leigh were trying their very hardest not to crack up.

"You go change," Marie said to Horatio, a look of blissful satisfaction on her face. "I'll guard him so he doesn't insult you again." She glared at Holmes, totally oblivious to her impending doom. Horatio, however, was not so vacant and raced off into his room, away from the blast radius.

Holmes reached around and grabbed Marie viciously by the ear, ignoring her squeals of pain. "You... little..." he rasped hoarsely. "I'm going to enjoy watching what Juliet is going to do to you!"

"Someone call my name?" Miss Juliet asked as she walked out of one of the doors, Damian and March Hare behind her carrying boxes with holes punched in them.

Holmes pushed Marie forward. "She... she... the little..." he started, groping for words to explain what just happened.

"Yes, Holmes?" Hare asked curiously, a long ear canting to one side in puzzlement.

"She... well, she... she reached into my... well..."

"She WHAT, Holmes?" Miss Juliet asked, raising her eyebrow.

"She... ah... she reached down and..."

"...and..." Damian motioned.

"Oh, for God's sake..." Marie snapped. "It was a wedgie, okay?"

At that unlikely revelation, March had to bite her lip to keep from giggling and Damian ignored principle and laughed aloud. Ever unflappable, Miss Juliet merely smirked and said, "What did you have in mind for punishment?"

Suddenly, a cry of utter horror came from Horatio's room. Startled, March spun around on her heel and started walking towards Horatio's door. "What was that?" she asked aloud.

Leigh had a bad feeling about this. "Professor, don't-" she started to call, but was cut off by the door flying open and Horatio himself racing out, clad only in black silk boxer shorts, yelling something about a crimsun hairless demon from the briny deep sent to kill him! Right on the poor pirate's heels was a fat, ugly, crimsun-painted, hairless rat, squeaking bloody murder.

In his blind terror, Horatio didn't notice March standing right in front of him and five seconds later both lay on the floor, dazed and disoriented. They shook their heads, and in the same instant realized what had happened: A boxer-clad Horatio was completely sprawled over a very startled March Hare.

There was silence in the Uncommon Room as March slowly reached up and caressed a shell-shocked Horatio's face. He closed his eyes and swallowed as her fingers drifted over his cheek, lips, and jaw. He opened his eyes again, and gently, hesitantly began to nuzzle her neck and the side of her face. Her hand slowly brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes and her breath caught in her throat as his lips brushed against her cheek. They moved down her jaw and finally landed on her own. Instantly, her hands moved to curl around his neck as he softly, gently, claimed her lips as his own. They parted, and breathing heavily, he moved from her mouth and gently drew a line of kisses over her jaw and to her long ear. Stunned but happy, her brown eyes flickered open to look into his green ones and he kissed her again, deeply, intensely.

"Jeebus!" cried a loud, harsh voice. "Get a room if you're going to do that, why don't you? You're disrupting traffic!" Damian rolled his eyes and handing the gibbering Marie over to Juliet.

"Gone... Horatio... mine... my Horatio... the villa on the seaside... the five kids... the dances under the stars on the beach... all gone..." Marie blinked, and suddenly burst into a torrent of fangirl tears.

Horatio jumped and pulled away, his chest heaving and his cheeks turning bright red. "I..." he gasped, eyes fixed on the bunny-woman. "I... I just... I'm sorry, I... I... I gotta go!" he managed and bolted.

It was suddenly quiet again, aside from Marie's gasping sobs. Seth and Leigh looked at each other as their jaws hung somewhere around their knees and Holmes turned to look at Miss Juliet and Damian. Damian was leaning up against the door smirking, evidently enjoying himself. Miss Juliet, however, was completely unreadable. She stood completely still, one hand by her side and the other holding Marie by the ear. Slowly, she let the hysterical student go and pushed her to Damian. "You deal with her," she snapped and walked over to the dazed bunny-woman, bending down. "Hey," she said in the kindest tone Leigh had ever heard her use. "Skybright Daye tried to bribe me with a box of chocolate this morning. You want it? You know I don't like chocolate." She held out a hand and pulled the shell-shocked professor to her feet.

"Yeah... sure," March replied shakily, leaning slightly on the Coordinator.

"Good," Miss Juliet nodded, and they started down towards one of the hallways leading to the area.

_Wow,_ Leigh thought despite herself. _Maybe she's not so bad after all._

Suddenly, though, Miss Juliet stopped and turned, stalking back over where Damian was standing. "One more thing," she added, drawing back her fist. "Thanks!" Her arm shot out, connecting solidly with the thief's face.

"Ouch! Hey, what the hell was that for?" Damian asked, his hand flying to his left eye.

"For that brilliant little crack you made. Thanks a whole hell of a lot." She spun on her heel and turned to Seth and Leigh. "Oh, Seth and Leigh. I want both of you to write me five-page reports. Seth, yours is for this afternoon. I want everyone involved to sign it to assure its accuracy. Leigh, yours is about Ravyn. I want everything about her in that report, and I want them both by tomorrow morning." She smirked.

"WHAT?" Leigh and Seth yelped.

"Also, you will both be attending detention for the rest of the week, as well as Survivor: Grammar for missing classes this afternoon." She grinned very evilly. "That's all."

Leigh groaned, _Or... not._ Miss Juliet and March left, and Damian dragged a wailing Marie towards his office.

"I... guess we should go find Horatio, huh?" Leigh managed.

"I guess." Seth sighed.

They backtracked down the hall over to the door Horatio had thrown himself in, knocking gently. "Horatio? Are you all right?" Leigh asked, opening the door.

"Do I bloody well SOUND all right?!" Horatio asked, resorting to pirate lingo in his times of crisis. He was sitting behind a stack of towels in the linen closet, a pillow on his lap and a sheet draped around his shoulders. His eyes had a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look and the blush had not yet left his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Seth asked.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?! You've got eyes! You saw what happened!" He put his head in his hands and moaned. "What am I going to do?"

"You could tack up back outside the staff section," Seth offered.

Leigh smacked her friend brusquely. "Seth!" she whispered quietly and knelt down to Horatio. "You want to talk about it?" she asked the Irregular.

He shook his head, "No I... it's just... I care for her so deeply... and now I've gone and made a fool of myself just because I didn't have the willpower to stop myself!" He hung his head. "What have I done?"

"Horatio," Leigh said gently, "you're right. I saw that happen. She made the first move. If she hadn't reached out to you, you wouldn't have stayed."

He hugged the pillow to his chest. "No-no-no... She... I..." His shoulders sagged. "It was my fault!"

Leigh stood up and turned to Seth, "A little help would be nice," she hissed.

Seth rolled his eyes, "Fine, fine." He wedged his way into the closet and pulled the pillow away from Horatio. "Horatio, man, listen to me. Hare. Kissed. You. Back. That's usually a dead giveaway, you know. And from where I was standing it didn't look like she was exactly, how shall I say it, unhappy with the arrangement." He raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

Horatio looked up. "Really?"

Seth looked confused. "Really what?"

"Did it really not look like she wasn't enjoying herself?" he asked.

Seth blinked for a second before translating what Horatio was actually saying. "It certainly looked that way to me,"

"Same here," Leigh shrugged. "I think you should go find her."

"What?!"

"I'm serious! Go find her and... say... you're sorry for running out on her like that." Leigh said. "I know that if someone had just snogged the snot out of me like that, and then just run off as soon as he got embarrassed, I'd... well, I'd at least want to talk to him about it!"

Horatio sighed and scratched his head, "I guess..."

"Came you take us back down now?" Seth asked, "Dinner's almost over and I missed lunch today."

"Yeah... sure..." Horatio said sheepishly. "But first... could one of you go in my room and get me a pair of pants and a shirt?"

Seth nodded and left, and five minutes later he returned with a white shirt and faded dark blue pants.

"These okay?" He asked, holding them out. Horatio nodded and hurriedly pulled them on.

"Check and see if anyone's out there," he asked as he pulled the shirt over his head.

Leigh walked over and cracked open the door, "Just a few people milling around. I think you can safely sneak out."

"Good," Horatio said, breathing a sigh of relief. The three slowly crept out of the closet and made their way to the closest hallway. A faint squee! sound floated into the room.

"What's that noise?" Horatio asked, and everyone stopped.

"Fangirls," Seth replied. "Coming this way, too."

"How'd they make it into the staff section?" Leigh asked as the squee! sound got louder.

"Who knows," Seth shrugged. "What we've got to worry about is not getting hit."

"How are we going to do..." Leigh started, but before she could finish a wave of fangirls swarmed into the room. She tried to run to the wall where Horatio and Seth were, but tripped. The last thing she saw was the bottom of a scuffed black Mary-Jane shoe.

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

The next morning Leigh woke up and groggily looked around. She wasn't in her dorm, and that certainly wasn't Issy sitting at the end of her bed. She blinked a couple times and her vision cleared. She was lying in a simple wooden-framed bed in a sparsely decorated room, and it was Inspector Lestrade sitting at the foot of the bed looking tired and irritated.

"Er... Inspector? How did I get here?" Leigh asked.

"After you left the Uncommon Room with Mr. Nix and Horatio you were tramped by a herd of Holmes fangirls who had snuck into the staff section." Lestrade replied with obvious disgust, but not directed at her. "Mr. Nix and Horatio managed to jump out of the way in time but the fangirls hit you head on. And, as Skybright Daye and Charlie Adams decided to blow up your dormitory with some of Holmes' chemicals, it was decided that we take you to my room to recover." He frowned. "Because I wasn't there to have my say, no doubt."

"What time is it?" Leigh said, struggling out of bed. "I'm going to miss a class, I know I am."

"It's all right, it's only seven." Lestrade replied.

"Morning or afternoon?" She asked, looking for the other one of her socks.

"Morning. Please," he sighed in an aggravated manner, "it's Saturday and there aren't any classes. There's a lecture this afternoon but until then you're free, and you really shouldn't but up and moving with the burns you got from Gimlee."

"Gimlee?" Leigh said freezing in the middle of putting her left sock on. "What's this about Gimlee?"

"He's the one that carried you in here," Lestrade replied. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, a little," Leigh meekly replied as she finished putting on her sock.

"Do you want me to bring you something from the kitchen? A piece of toast or a grapefruit or something?" He asked, getting to his feet.

"No, no, I'm fine, I'll just eat with you and go down, I guess... breakfast is already over downstairs." She said as she bent down looking for her shoes.

Lestrade hurmped, "Well, just this once I suppose. Your shoes are under the table, Miss Tobias."

"Oh, er, thank you." She said, standing up and hurriedly shoving her feet into them.

"Come with me." He lead her out of the small room and through the large area with all the doors surrounding it. "Please understand that this is a once-in-a-lifetime happening."

Leigh nodded, "Gotcha." They walked through a dark hallway and into the kitchen. Holmes, Mycroft, Nona, Watson, Mary, Dr. Trevelyan, and John Hector McFarlane were sitting around the table eating and talking. Holmes was complaining to Mycroft about something when they entered and Watson was blushing.

"...no rest, I tell you, no rest at all! All night long it's 'bang, bang, bang!' against the wall. I don't know how they get any sleep, either! Who's bright idea was it to put me beside those two," he asked, jerking his thumb at Watson and Mary.

"I'd talk to Miss Juliet about that," Mycroft said dryly, "she's the one who came up with the sleeping arrangements."

"Oh? I'd like to complain to her about another sleeping arrangement, too." He muttered, his eyes darting to Nona.

"I believe you'll have to talk to someone much higher-up about those sleeping arrangements, Holmes." Lestrade said as he took a seat next to Dr. Trevelyan. "I believe you all know Leigh Tobias." Murmurs of accent went up from around the table.

"Are you feeling better?" Mary inquired.

"Yeah, thanks." Leigh replied as Nona passed her the coffee. "Wow... it's actually hot!" She marveled. "I haven't had hot coffee in ages."

"Of course you haven't." Holmes replied. "You're a student."

"Well you don't have to shove my face in it." Leigh replied. "If it's one thing I know, it's that I am a student."

"How does being a student feel?" Mary asked.

"Well..." She shrugged. "It makes you feel like your dirt! You can't even have one fangirlish thought as you're worse than dead." She shrugged again. "Then again, I've learned stuff that was what I wouldn't have learned any other way."

"Then it's a success." Miss Juliet said as she entered the room, closely followed by Damian the Fell and Mary Russell. "Or as close to it as we're likely to come."

"She's a _student_? Russell exclaimed. "What is a _student_ doing in here?"

"Two of her roommates blew up their dorm last night, she had been knocked out before it happened and we decided to let her spend the night in Lestrade's room." Mary Watson explained.

Russell frowned, "Well shouldn't she be going back down to the school? She doesn't have to stay up here does she?" She crossed her arms across her chest.

"No, but she has several injuries and hasn't eaten in about twenty four hours, breakfast is over downstairs." Miss Juliet shot back. "Our goal is to _teach_ the students, not to kill them."

"I still don't like it. We have enough Sue-related members in the staff section already, we don't need to add the person responsible for-"

"Will you kindly shut up?" Miss Juliet snapped. "And stop making cracks about March and Nona. It's bad enough to have to deal with the Sues in the first place but if you and Irene continue taunting Nona about it I'm going to have to report you to April and Ivy, suggesting that you might be in cahoots with the 'Sue army." Russell fell silent, but the look of displeasure remained on her face. Nona and Leigh were starring at their hands. "Holmes, Nona, come with me. I want to talk to you about something." Miss Juliet said."

"Right, I thought you might." Nona said, her head snapping up. She and Holmes left with Miss Juliet and Damian and Russell filled their empty seats.

"Well, uhh, I'd probably better be going..." Leigh said, jumping up. "I mean, the workmen will probably be done with my dorm soon and I need a shower and..." she trailed off as she back towards the door. "I'll see you later... bye!" She rushed out of the door and through the staff section. _What was that about? A Mary-Sue ARMY? And what am I responsible for? I've never done anything THAT bad..._ she thought as she ran past the mini-Hounds and down the stairs towards the showers.

"LEIGH! I was about to come get you... you can't miss this!" Issy said, running up the stairs.

"No, I've gotta take a shower and change my clothes, and I've got homework to do..." Leigh mumbled as Issy grabbed her hand and started dragging her down the stairs.

"But Elmira Gulch is outside writing a love letter in the sky!" Issy exclaimed.

Leigh's jaw dropped, "THE Elmira Gulch? As in, the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Yes! Oh, just get on the banister, it'll be faster if we slide." Issy said, pushing Leigh onto the wooden banister and jumping on behind her.

"Who's she writing the letter to?" Leigh asked as they slid down.

"Professor Moriarty!"

-----------------------------------------------o.O;;

Surprise! Here's a parody of Shell Silverstein's "The Yippiyuk" to explain why this chapter took so long...

_The Plotbunny._

_In my room, several weeks ago  
Where the dust and messiness grow  
A Plotbunny bit on my toe...  
Exactly why I do not know.  
I kicked and cried  
And hollared "Oh"-  
The Plotbunny would not let go.  
I whispered to it soft and low-  
The Plotbunny would not let go  
I shouted "Stop", "Desist" and "Whoa"-  
The Plotbunny would not let go.  
Yes, that was many days ago,  
And the Plotbunny still won't let go.  
The complaints may fall  
The flames may blow  
The Plotbunny will not let go.  
The complaints may end  
The compliments may grow  
The Plotbunny will not let go.  
I drag it 'round each place I go,  
This Plotbunny that won't let go.  
And now my readers at last you know  
Exactly why BSFA is coming so slow._


	8. Attack of the 'Sue

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy  
by Juliet Norrington

Since March has been gone for the past couple weeks and I haven't been able to get in touch with her this chapter was beta-ed by KID and Damian the Fell, so cookies to them.

Jeeves and Wooster joke ahead. You have been warned.  
---------------------------------o.O;;

"Come on, Leigh!" Issy called, jumping off the banister and rushing out the side door.

"I'm too old for this," Leigh wheezed as she slowly slid off the banister. She stood for a moment, catching her breath, then followed Issy out the side door. Nearly all the students had gathered in the courtyard to watch as the Wicked Witch of the West finished her series of smoke-letters:

MORIARTY:  
VIOLETS ARE BLUE  
ROSES ARE RED  
YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT  
BUT YOU'RE GREAT IN BE-

"GROSS!" Half the students yelled, while the other half began running for the nearest W.C.'s.

"I need bleach. And a spork." Kaji Ongaku said, looking rather queasy.

"I've got some steel wool," Sara London offered.

"No thanks, I need something stronger…" the half-elf replied and turned to walk back into the building.

"That's just wrong," SailorFussion said, staring up at the slowly disappearing letters.

"I know. Sex and Moriarty should never be in the same sentence." Black Rose said, closing her eyes. "Think Angsty!Holmes, think Angsty!Holmes... Angsty!Holmes Angsty!Holmes Angsty!Holmes Angsty!Holmes..."

"But sex and Moriarty aren't IN the same sentence." J.A. pointed out, pushing her glasses up her nose.

"They shouldn't even be implied!" Black Rose replied and went back to her Angsty!Holmes chant.

Leigh shook her head and stared up at the sky as the Wicked Witch flew away cackling,

"Moriarty and the Wicked Witch of the West. Who would have guessed it."

"Me," Seth said smugly.

"Ah, yes, but you thought it was just a hallucination, didn't you?" Leigh said, raising her eyebrows.

"Shaddup," Seth said, his eyes going mock-shifty.

Issy smirked, "Got you there." She grabbed Leigh's arm and pulled her over away from the crowd. "Listen, I need your help..."

---------------------------------o.O;;

Three nights later, Leigh rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and followed Issy up the stairs to the staff section.

"Why am I doing this, again?" She asked. The moon was covered in clouds and barely any light lit the dark staircases and corridors of the academy.

"Shh!" Issy snapped. "Do you want to get busted?"

"No, but really, why am I doing this again?" Leigh whispered.

"I'm doing your homework tomorrow night while you and Seth do... whatever it is you're going to do." Issy replied and stopped suddenly, almost causing Leigh to run into her. "Okay, go on now, tell 'em,"

"Fine, fine," Leigh muttered and hurried up the stairs where the five mini-hounds stood guard.

"Er... I'm here to see Agent... Ivy. Yes. Agent Ivy. I have something very important to tell her."  
The dogs growled. "Well, you see it's rather urgent and I, um..."

"We saw some more graffiti," Issy said, coming up behind her.

"And we have to tell Agent Ivy. Now." The hounds whined.

"Yes, now. C'mon, Leigh," Issy said and dragged her friend into the Staff Section.

"Why the hell did you even need me?" Leigh asked.

"It looks more convincing if you're here" Issy replied. "Besides, you know where Watson's room is."

Leigh gaped at her, "No I don't!"

"You said you did!" Issy said, stopping in the corridor leading to the large door-covered area.

"When did I say that?!"

"Well," Issy said helplessly, "you're always in here and you said you'd been in were all the rooms are, and..."

"Who's that?" Leigh interrupted, pointing to a figure half in and half out of the flickering light of the small lantern hanging from the roof. Issy and Leigh stopped their argument to watch it as it silently moved across the room and towards the only door with brass letters spelling out the name of its occupant.

"That's Miss Juliet's room! What're they doing going to it?" Issy whispered.

Suddenly Leigh's eyes grew large, "It must be a Mary-Sue!" She hissed. "Who else would go in there? She's got to be trying to kill Miss Juliet or something!"

"So let her," Issy replied, "We were never here."

"But if she's dead they might get someone that's worse!" Leigh replied as the figure began to pick the lock on Miss Juliet's door.

"Like who?" Issy asked, raising her eyebrow and putting her hands on her hips.

"Spode." Leigh said solemnly.

Issy paled, "Spode? Ladies-Underwear-Selling-Eventually-Made-Lord-Something-Or-Other Spode?"

"Who else do you think they'd get if Miss Juliet was bumped off?" Leigh asked.

"True," Issy twitched.

"And he'd bring Madeleine Basset, along, of course…"

Issy squeaked, "Right. Now, on three we jump her. Ready?" Leigh nodded. "One, two, THREE!"

They sprang out from the shadows and ran out towards Miss Juliet's door. The figure jumped, dropped their tools and started to run, but the two experienced fangirls caught the startled figure and brought him down to the ground.

"Get off me!" the figure hissed.

"No, you slimy Mary-Sue!" Issy snarled. "Going to try to bump Juliet off, eh? Well we're just too smart for you!"

"I wasn't trying to kill her!" Damian the Fell growled.

"Ah! He's a Marty-Stu!" Leigh cried. "Must be the operative Agent Ivy was talking about last week when she made me try to peel a banana with my toes to prove I wasn't a Mary-Sue!"

"I wasn't trying to killer her!" Damian repeated, pushing the two girls off of him and trying to stand up. However, Issy and Leigh were quite used to this and managed to hang on to his legs fairly well.

"Why else would you be sneaking into her room at night? Huh? HUH??" Issy demanded.

"None of your business!" He replied.

"So you WERE trying to kill her!" She exclaimed.

"No I wasn't! I was going in there to, well… I was, going in to, well, to, uh, do, uh… certain unnamed… well, you know!" He growled, embarrassed.

"No we don't!" Leigh and Issy replied, glaring up at him.

"You know…" he trailed off.

"No we don't- what did you want to do?" Issy asked.

"Her!"

"Who??" Leigh asked.

"JULIET!" He roared. Suddenly a faint stream of light appeared under Juliet's door, and a moment later it opened. Juliet stood in the doorway, framed by the half-light coming from the candle behind her. Her hair was loose, she wore a white "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, and a pair of short red gym shorts; and to complete the effect, a battered-looking teddy bear was tucked under her right arm. While seeing anyone else sleepy-eyed and in such attire would have greatly lessened their scare-factor, this was not the case with Miss Juliet. To be quiet honest, she looked more menacing than usual.

"Someone call my name?" She asked in a dark, scary voice that made Leigh and Issy wince and cover their faces. Damian pushed them off and they curled up into fetal positions on the floor. He himself uneasily got to his feet and pushed a stray strand of hair out of his face.

"I believe it was your voice I heard." Juliet said in that same calm, terrifying voice, staring at him with an emotionless expression on her face.

"I-I uh, I was just, er, just coming through for uh… uh… glass of… er… water?" Damian managed. "And… I didn't hear anyone say your name… nope, not anyone I know of…"

"Liar." She said coolly.

"No, really!" He said. "They… I… I mean, I was going to the… bathroom. Yes. To get the water. Yes. And I saw them." He nodded.

"What!" Issy exclaimed from her fetal position on the floor. "You were trying to break into Miss Juliet's room! The tools are still there!" She pointed in the wrong direction.

"They are just students, and are not even supposed to be here!" He exclaimed.

"Then what are the tools for?" Miss Juliet asked, pointing to the tools sitting by her feet.

"I uhh ... they are theirs. Yes. They were going to use them to try to get into a teacher's room or... something."

Miss Juliet raised her eyebrow skeptically, but turned to where Leigh and Issy lay curled on the floor, "Back to your dorm, both of you."

"That's it?" Leigh asked, looking up. "Just go to our dorm?"

"Must I repeat myself?" Miss Juliet snapped. "Go before I change my mind." She nudged them both with her foot and they slowly got up. "And you," she looked at Damian, "in there." She gestured over her shoulder to her room. "Now." He grinned and walked into the room, leaving his tools in the hall. Miss Juliet smiled slightly and closed the door behind her as she followed him in. Issy and Leigh shook their heads and slowly trudged towards the front of the Staff Section.

---------------------------------o.O;;

"Welcome the first 'Mary-Sue and How to Avoid Her' class." Miss Juliet said, a broad grin on her face. "This is where we teach you how to avoid creating those horrible little pests that are ruining our lives. Each week we will discuss a different type of Mary-Sue, and each and every one of you will eventually realize that Mary-Sues and Marty-Stu's are the two most irritating creatures ever devised."

"A-men!" Professor Moriarty called from the back of the room.

"I have a question," Rose said, raising her hand, "what's a Mary-Sue? For the past year you've lectured us about keeping away from Mary-Sue's, but you've never really told us what they are."

Miss Juliet rolls her eyes, "I had hoped that you would be somewhat intelligent enough to know the basics of fanfic before you began writing them, but of course I was mistaken." She turned to look at Professor Hare, who sat at the desk looking a little preoccupied, "Want to bring her in?"

"Might as well," Professor Hare said absently and left.

"Bring who in?" Silver Yuy asked.

"A Mary-Sue." Miss Juliet reply.

Professor Moriarty paled, "A M-Mary-Sue?" He gulped.

Commodore Lysander poked his head in the door, "Oye, Moriarty, over 'ere, you gotta run 'fore they bring in 'at Sue!" he called. Moriarty dropped the books he had been gathering from the bookshelf in the back of the room and hurried out of the room.

"Now," Miss Juliet began after the door closed behind Commodore Lysander, "A Mary-Sue, as

you should know, is a two-dimensional original character created by a fangirl and stuck in fanfic to sleep with the author's lust object of choice and screw canon." Leigh shifted uncomfortably as Miss Juliet continued, "The Mary-Sue we've got to show you is named, 'Isabelle Snape' from the long-retired Sherlock Holmes fic, 'Blood of the Moon'." She shuddered. "She is a mix breed of both the _Puella moderna spunkiana_ and _Puella soror gratuitus_ species, otherwise known as the 'Perkily Determined Modern Sue' and the 'Somebody's Sister Sue'."

"Oi, Miss Jewel Lee Ette," Midshipmen Fitzwilliam called as he walked in, a large black box

with a bright red button on it around his neck, "you woint The Beeper?"

"Oh, yes," Miss Juliet said, still glaring at him at the misuse of her name, "that might be useful if she gets angry."

The class exchanged glances as the irregular walked over and sat down on March Hare's desk. Suddenly the door opened and a cage covered with a large black cloth was wheeled in by Agent April and Agent Ivy with Hare and Damian following behind them.

"We are now about to unveil one of the most dangerous creatures the Literary World has ever been afflicted with." Ivy said dramatically as she and April made ready to pull off the black covering. "Do not be afraid, she can't get out, but we've got makeshift switches of Character Banishment just in case." She grinned, and a second later the cloth lay on the floor and the two Protectors of the Plot Continuum agents had pulled out large boxes with light switches on them.

Inside the cage, sitting on a small gilded chair was a woman. She blinked rapidly when the cover was thrown off and glanced around at the classroom, a frightened look in her large dark green eyes. Her long black hair was braided and twisted into a corkscrew bun at the nape of her neck and a thin brushing of bangs covered her forehead. She was "well-figured" with the perfect skin color and high cheek bones.

"Behold the horror of horrors," Ivy intoned.

"The terror of terrors," Miss Juliet added.

"A Mary-Sue," they whispered together.

"Aw, she doesn't look that bad," Vidar said, "she's kinda cute." The woman in the cage blushed and smiled, displaying a set of perfectly white and even teeth.

"Don't encourage her," April warned.

"Encourage me?" the 'Sue said, speaking for the first time. "Why do you say that?" Her voice was warm, rich, intoxicating. She smiled to the class, and a drunken stupor fell over Leigh. What could this poor, beautiful girl possibly do wrong? April, Ivy, Miss Juliet, all of them were glaring at her as though she had done something horrible. They were the ones that locked her in a cage! Anger began to rise inside of her.

"Is this thing real?" Damian asked, drawing a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat and poking the 'Sue.

She swatted the tip of the umbrella and said in an irritated voice. "Please don't do that,"

"Of course." He smirked.

"Now, class," Miss Juliet said, "as you can see, this specimen has some of the most obvious tributes-" she was cut off as the 'Sue squeaked and jumped to her feet.

"He poked me!" She exclaimed, pointing at Damian as he languidly slipped the umbrella in his pocket.

Agent April sighed and shook her head, "Damian, how many times must I tell you not to toy with the subject?"

"What?" Damian asked innocently, "I didn't do anything." There was a long pause as the two teachers and two agents raised their eyebrows at him.

"Right. Sure you didn't." April said flatly.

"Now, really," he said.

"Now, really yourself, mister," Ivy snapped, "and keep your hands in your pockets."

"Hey, who are you going to believe?" he asked, "me or the 'Sue?"

Suddenly the Mary-Sue rushed over to where he stood looking at her with distaste, "What did you call me?" She snarled, her eyes growing black and wild.

"He called you a Mary-Sue." Miss Juliet replied. "And so you are, and the story you're in is cliché, boring, and it needs a beta reader." The Sue leaped over to the headmistress, and with every movement she looked less and less like the woman that had sat calmly on the small gilded chair and more like a screaming lunatic. "Oh, yeah, and you are a lousy 2D completely horrible one everyone who knows writing will hate."

"STUPID LITTLE **BEEEP**!!!" The 'Sue snarled, and everyone jumped at the loud beeping noise coming from the box around Midshipmen Fitzwilliam's neck. He himself had a large pair of earmuffs on and was happily reading someone else's homework.

"What was that?" Seth asked, clearing his ears with his fingers.

"The Beeper." Miss Juliet replied. "Mary-Sue authors have a tendency to use plenty of profanity when flaming people who tell them to truth, so we thought it would be a good idea to bring this thing in." She turned back to the Mary-Sue. "Carry on with your rant, you little squeaky twit."

"YOU **BEEEP**!!! HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT???!!! YOU'RE THE RUDEST PERSON I EVER MET!!! PERSON? NO! YOU'RE NO PERSON! YOU'RE A STUPID, STINKY, **BEEEP**ING MONKEY!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID **BEEEEEP**!!!!!!!!!! **BEEP** UP! YOU **BEEP**!" She screamed, and then calmly sank back down into her chair.

Miss Juliet calmly turned away from the torrent of anger and faced the class, "You can always make a 'Sue show her true colors by attacking her and her story. She and her author will then become the same person and retort by doing what Miss Snape has just done."

Suddenly the door flew open and Professor Holmes marched in, "Miss Juliet!" he snapped. "Am I to understand that you've been conducting a major experiment without my assistance?"

"OW!" the 'Sue cried, jumping to her feet.

"Damian…" April warned.

"What?" He asked, the umbrella still in his hand.

The agent shook her head, "Never mind. Just, never mind."

Miss Juliet sighed, "Holmes, this is a Mary-Sue, you don't know how it's going to effect you! Didn't you read the signs outside the…" she trailed off.

"Hello," The 'Sue softly, batting her eyes, "I'm Isabelle,"

"Sher-Sher- Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes" the detective stuttered, his eyes going glassy.

"Holmes, no!" Professor Hare exclaimed as Holmes began drifting towards the cage.

"They locked me up in here and I really don't know why," the 'Sue pouted, "can you please let me out?"

"Why certainly… a girl as pretty as you couldn't do anyone any harm," He said and reached for the keys hanging on Ivy's belt.

"Holmes! Don't!" Ivy said, slapping him. "Don't let her out!" He ignored her and grabbed the keys. "No!" She kicked out and her booted foot flew straight into his privates, and he fell to the ground wheezing.

Miss Juliet whistled and two mini-hounds came padding up from the back of the room, "Off to the Infirmary, I suppose," she said with a sigh and a wave of her hand. Watso and Sherlok obediently scooped up the twitching detective and dragged him out of the room.

"I think that's enough for now," April said and picked up the black covering off the floor.

Miss Juliet nodded, "Yes, most definitely enough for now. Wheel her out."

April nodded and tossed the other end of the cloth to Ivy, "C'mon, we gotta get her ready for bleeding…"

"Bleeding? What? What's going on? Where are you taking me? Hey! Listen to me!" The 'Sue babbled as the two agents threw the cloth over the cage.

"Knock it off in there!" Ivy replied as Damian opened the door to let her and April push the giant cage out.

"You be needin' me anymore?" Midshipmen Fitzwilliam asked, pulling the earmuffs off his

head.

"No, I don't think so," Miss Juliet replied.

"Roight," he jumped off the desk and tipped his hat to Professor Hare and Miss Juliet, "I'll be off then." He walked out the door.

"Now," Miss Juliet turned to face the class, "homework tonight is a five-page single-spaced essay on what you learned during this class. Dismissed." Squeaks and whispers came as the class got to its feet and headed out.

"What the hell was that?" Seth exploded once he and Leigh were in the hallway. "Did you see how they exploited that poor character?"

"Yeah," Leigh said absently, "hey Seth, do you really think Ravyn's not a Mary-Sue?"

"Of course she isn't!" He replied, guiding her down the stairs and towards the Dining Hall.

"But what about when you saw that one 'Sue on the Survivor: Grammar field?" She persisted.

"She looked exactly like Ravyn!"

"Well, I, uhh," he stuttered, groping for an answer.

Leigh continued, "The more I hear about Mary-Sue's the more I know Ravyn has to be one. You don't have to pretend she isn't one just so you won't hurt my feelings." She said gently.

"But… well… okay maybe she is one," he sighed, "but it doesn't matter because you wrote it, and it would make any difference to me whether it had a hundred Mary-Sue's in it!" Leigh was suddenly finding it hard to stand up, so she sat down on the bottom step and shook her head.

"You really think so?" She asked, looking up at him.

"I don't think so," he grinned, "I know so." Leigh grinned back, unable to speak. There was a long pause, "Did you know," he said quietly, "that you're eyes are as blue as the blue carbuncle?"

"Really?" She asked breathlessly.

"Yeah,"

Suddenly, a loud piercing scream came from above, followed by the words, "HELP! HELP! The 'Sue's loose!" SailorFussion screamed again and came sliding down the banister.

"What 'Sue?" Kaji Ongaku asked, walking out of the Dining Hall with a plate of cold spaghetti.

"There's a 'Sue here?"

"Yes!" SailorFussion nodded and jumped off the banister. "She tried to steal my class list!"

Kaji Ongaku snorted, "Oh come off it."

"You come off it!" SailorFussion replied.

"You!"

"You!"

"You times infinity!" Kaji Ongaku stuck her tongue out.

SailorFussion glared at her, "She DID try to steal my class list! I'm not kidding!"

"Suuure. We all believe that, don't we?" Sara London said, walking up. "Come on, why would a 'Sue want your class list?"

"I don't kno-" she trailed off. "Oh my god there it is!" SailorFussion cried, hiding underneath one of the tables. And indeed, the elegantly dressed 'Sue came running down the stairs, followed closely by Damian, Miss Juliet, and the two PPC agents.

"SETH! LEIGH! CATCH HER!" Ivy cried, and Leigh jumped to her feet as the 'Sue ran by.

"CATCH HER!" Leigh sprang forward, her legs still used to the demands of glomping. She landed on the 'Sue's back and sent them both to the ground.

"Get off me!" the 'Sue hissed, trying to scramble to get feet but before she could up Miss Juliet, April, Ivy, and Damian had grabbed her.

Miss Juliet glared at the offending 'Sue, "You don't know who you're dealing with, do you?"

The 'Sue merely glared, her long raven hair falling out of the bun and covering her face. Miss Juliet waved her hand, "Deal with her."

April nodded, "Certainly." She handcuffed the 'Sue and jerked at her. "Come on, you," Damian and Ivy grabbed the 'Sue's arms and started down towards the dungeons. As the started down the stairs the 'Sue turned back and looked at Leigh; she slid a piece of folded paper into her sleeve and a slow smirk appeared on her face. Leigh slid her hand into her back pocket where she kept her class list- it wasn't there. She hastily began to search her other pockets and the book bag slung over her shoulder. It wasn't there. She looked up again just as the dungeon door was closing.

_This can't be good…_


	9. Ramblings of a BSFA Victim

The Baker Street Fanfiction Academy  
by Juliet Norrington

I have a very sad announcement to make. March Hare, it seems, has been forced to completely withdraw from all things fanfiction. She's not going to be able to beta BSFA anymore, and I doubt she will be writing any more fanfic in the near future. I'm sure you all mourn as much as I do. I'm going to be needing another (or several) beta's, so if you'd like to beta for me, please email me.

_...chaos...chaos...chaos..._

march 14...mid-morning... nameology 411

well, we thought we had everyone fooled (even miss juliet !) by simply skipping valentines day and having it a month late, thereby not getting quite as punished as we might have on the actual day. sound decent? yeah, so WE thought. anyhoo this morning the spawn of satan (aka miss juliet) climbed up on here chair and whistled.

"listen up!" she snapped and we all shut up as we have been trained to do, "good. I'd like everyone to know that everything cardlike, romantic, or red or pink WILL BE confiscated and the owner of this thing will be sent straight to detention."

everyone was like "OMG how did she know!" then she kinda looked at us all scary and said, "any questions?"

"what about if we want to give a card to another student?" maria (the former Horatio luster) asked, all decked out in fishnets and crap. honestly, she went WEIRD after that whole horatio-march kiss thingy.

miss juliet shrugged, "not my problem. however, all of those cards that manage to slip by us will be tracked back to their owners, who will then promptly be thrown into detention."

annica greyson's hand shot into the air at that point, "me! me! I've got a question!"

miss juliet rolled her eyes, "yes?"

"does that mean that I'm going to get thrown in detention every time I walk past a staff member?" now, see, annica greyson has quite a peculiar problem. apparently on her enrollment form she wrote that she could be 'whatever'. so, now, over her skin and all of her clothes the word "whatever!" was written in large friendly letters. pink, of course.

the corner's of miss juliet's mouth twitched in that eeeeevil way she has, "It'll depend on how lenient we're feeling, I suppose." whatever!girl groaned and sank lower into her chair while the rest of us laughed our asses off. "one other announcement before class," miss juliet started on the rest of us again "professor hare has, for personal reasons, decided to take an extended holiday to fictionopolis."

Seth twisted around to look at me (so cute!) "you don't think this is because of-" he stated

"Not now," I hissed 'cause while he's adorable I don't want MORE trouble. "I've got enough detention and survivor: grammar credits this week."

"agents ivy and april will be filling in for her while she's gone." miss juliet finished, then climbed down off her chair as the first bell rang.

"oh great," Issy groaned as we all stood up, "we've lost our last line of defence!" did I tell you her hair's growing out? apparently it's really this neat coppery color. I want to steal it.

"what do you mean?" I asked, as I collected my bazillion books.

"come on," Issy said, "she was march hare! she was one of us! she wrote a original character, like the rest of us!"

"she didn't punish us as much as miss juliet," seth added, walking up behind us. why doesn't he ever walk beside me? he's always a few steps behind. bit annoying, but as he is the Most Gorgeous Man Ever it is okay.

"exactly!" issy exclaimed. "listen, I'm going to go wash up before class, I'll catch up later." the three of us exchanged tinkity-tonks and she wandered off down one corridor and seth and I went up the stairs. we hadn't gone more than a few steps when he sudden stops and pulls out- A WHITE ROSE! he is so sweet! he said he was going to get the pinkest one he could but he heard about miss juliet finding out so he didn't... wtf was that noise?

later

a CANON CANNON just arrive! it's, like this weird huge cannon covered in all this writing and crap, and it totally makes the WEIRDEST noises when shot! issy just passed me a note...

later than later

okay, so here's the plan: the canon cannon is pointed RIGHT at the staff section, and it shoots, like reeeeeally far over the mini-hounds heads so we're gonna load all our valentine's cards in there and shot them in! tres perfecto, no? I made holmes this totally sweet card with HUGE red hearts and this poem I stole out of a book in the library and... wait. crap. I don't lust after him anymore. geez, it's so easy to get carried away like that. oh, I know, I'll just cross out "sherlock" and write "seth, my one true lust object!" or somethin'.

laaaaaaaaaaate

WTF?

so this is how it all went down; everyone was loading the canon cannon, right? right, so seth and I thought we could get some huuuuuuuuge brownie points if we told on them and all. right? right. so we were going up to the staff section, and sneaked by the mini-hounds by telling 'em I had to see one of the ppc agents, and then we started towards the kitchen 'cause I heard miss juliet say she was going to have lunch there instead because she wanted to go over some papers while she ate. anyway, we were walking over there when sudden, 'foosh! scree! squee! opera singing! twinkle, twinkle'! those stupids had already set off the cannon! the nerve! then, like, five seconds later were where totally covered in pink and red cards! woe is us! it took forever to dig out, and, naturally, when we finally did, who should be coming our way but the spawn of satan herself! I was getting all ready for no more sleep for the rest of the school year, but she just ran right by us!

"what could be more important that delivering punishment?" I asked, scratching my head and pulling out an engagement ring. (the helll?)

"Let's find out," he then grabbed my hand and dragged me down the corridor miss juliet had gone. why I don't know, but the next thing I knew I was being shoved in a (dark!) cupboard and seth was climbing in beside me. hell, I wasn't about to complain. he pointed to some holes at the top, so we twisted and turned until we both got a decent view.

miss juliet was standing in front of two women, one looking frighteningly like miss juliet's twin, aside from her short blond hair and darkly tanned skin, and the other a small okay-looking half-elf with long dark curly brown hair and slightly pointed ears that looked like things had been carved into them. painful, eh?

"sorry I'm late," miss juliet was saying, "but there was a mishap involving students and valentine's day cards." she rolled her eyes, per usual.

"I see," the woman who looked just like miss juliet said "well I've brought cassia." she sounded just like miss juliet too.

"hello cassia," miss juliet said in a weird, soft voice.

the half-elf inclined her head at Juliet, "It is a pleasure to meet you," she spoke with a careful britishy style and wore a pretty, long lacy gown with a dark blue dressing gown tied over it. I want to steal it omg! so pretty. "though I honestly don't understand quite why I am."

miss juliet laughed, "you'll find out in a little while. Now, judging by your ears you've had your elven blood transferred into your veins."

this cassia person looked like she had a headache, and nodded like she had one too, "yes, we've just come from the ceremony, but how did you know about that?"

even with the pretty pretty dressing gown I could tell her lacy little nightgown had been torn, and she also looked like she had just been shagged senseless. I now envied her more than ever before.

miss juliet laughed, apparently impervious to cassia's look of complete shaggedness, "that's a long story you aren't ready to hear yet." she whistled and a few minutes later sir percival the demon child ran up.

"oi, someun' need me?" he asked in his stupid, stupid way.

"Take her to the library, and if you see any students with red and pink cards send them down to detention." miss meanie ordered.

"roight, roight, with me, then," he grabbed cassia's hand and pulled her around the corner.

"careful!" juliet twin called. "She's not a student you know!"

"you've made sure she doesn't know who I am, chaos?" miss juliet asked in a weird tone.

"oh yes," chaos said, leaning against the wall, "I told her I was bringing her here to be sure that the elven blood was working."

"good, I don't think she's quite ready to meet her author yet," miss juliet smirked, and inside the cupboard our jaws totally hit the floor and we muttered things along the lines off 'the hell', and 'wtf'.

"no, I don't think so either," chaos grinned and they wandered away, completely oblivious to our complete astonishment.

Quite, Quite, Fantastic...ly late

just woke up… had a dream where Sherlock was rowing me across a dirty old moat in a small dingy in the pouring rain and waterproof gas lights kept rising up out of the water and he started singing and running his hands all over me and then suddenly were when in this creepy old grave yard and seth jumped out from behind a gravestone and started to fight holmes and my boobs got frostbitten 'cause I was in this reeeeeally low cut black dress that was actually pretty sexy and then seth almost killed holmes but I stopped him and then we jumped on this white stallion seth called 'snowflake' and then he started to kiss my neck.

I suppose the moral of this story is to absolutely never, under NO circumstances doNOT eat ANYTHING given out in 'cunning crossovers' before going to sleep. however, the neck-kissing was quite divine, and if there's anything I adore it's divine neck-kissing.

i'm wide away...its morning

black rose just ran in screaming that holmes had gone mad... what the hell's that all about?

_...chaos...chaos...chaos..._

There are subtle nods to Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy, Bright Eyes, and "The Avengers" (the 60's British tv show, not the comic.) Cookies to anyone who can find them.

The first half of my novel (aka the reason BSFA updates take so long) is being uploaded onto FictionPress. It is the one invloving Cassia, and is being loaded at about a chapter a day until all the ones I have written are up. If you like fantasy, please check it out- the link's in my bio. Thank you!


	10. The Return

(The Return of) the Baker Street Fanfiction Academy  
Chapter one (ten)  
By Lux Piper

The sun rose from beyond the sea, dawning clear and bright as a melody. Lux Piper watched the sun, wrapped in her grandmother's blue and white quilt. A manila envelope full of yellowing pages sat in her lap, the last page set down only moments before. The sun reflected off the surface of the water and then there were two brilliant sunrises instead of one. Lux lingered, watching the showcase, snug against the early morning chill and her mind turning the contents of the manila folder over and over. It was going to be a busy day—a day that made her stomach knot and flutter if she thought too hard about it. But now, she enjoyed the stillness and serenity of the dawn.

Her lawyer arrived at nine, his mustache waxed and his bald head beaming in the morning sunlight. Lux met him on the front steps, a pen in her hand. She signed along the dotted lines, her hand trembling in excitement and fear, as the lawyer's assistant drove up in a sleek white car of a bygone era.

"It's yours," her lawyer said, pulling a ring of keys out of his pocket, "along with the estate."

Lux took the cold keys in her hand as the assistant jumped out of the car and stood alongside her lawyer. "Why?"

Her lawyer held his palms up in a shrug. "I didn't write the will, I only executed it."

Lux bit her bottom lip and wrapped her arms around herself. Her lawyer and his assistant climbed into his small black car. The assistant winked at her from behind the wheel and she frowned.

Her newly-owned cart, beautiful and ancient, refused to accelerate past the respectable speed of fifty miles per hour, however strongly Lux attempted to coax another five miles out of her. Once outside of the city limits she gave up and settled back to enjoy the scenery. The lawyer's directions, though Lux was certain they took her the long way around, did pass through some of the most beautiful Literati countryside. The rolling hills and picturesque farmhouses put her uncertain mind at ease.

Finally she saw the great ivy-covered gates rising in the distance. The Latin motto had vanished behind the crawling vines and the ivy softened the harshness of the metal. Lux stopped the car and got out, the keys heavy in her hand. She fitted the largest key into the lock and spun it, both hands forcing the old and stiff lock to move. It clicked, and she pushed the gates open, snapping vines as they parted. An uneven cobblestone driveway sprawled out before her, lined with oak and pine, their great branches fighting for the sunlight.

The car bounced happily on the uneven cobblestone, its pace quickening like a horse returning home. She rounded a corner and the estate drew into sight, the white pillars and brick chimneys watching her. As she drew closer, she began to see the scars of war in the missing windows, the broken columns, and the graffiti in a disturbing mixture of hot pink, lime green, and neon orange.

Lux parked next to a large sign that read "Don't Feed the mini-Hounds" and walked toward the great estate, her hands in her pockets. She squinted up at the slanting roofs and the discouraging damage of conflict. She reached the wide stairs leading up to the veranda and she laid her hand on the banister. Memories, previously unknown, flashed through her mind. Two scruffy urchins sitting on the roof, a canon full of Valentine's Day cards, a group of slack-jawed and glazed-eyed girls. Lux shivered and stepped up onto the staircase. A woman with rabbit ears running with stacks of books in her hands. A sweet-faced boy in a ratty navel coat followed her with stars in his eyes.

The great old building sighed with relief as she pulled the heavy ring of keys out of her bag. Her heels left perfect patches in the dust on the sprawling porch. She liked that and took a staccato stroll around the porch. Her footsteps snapped and clicked. She liked the sound even better. Lux put the middle key into the lock and turned, the lock groaning in protest as she did. She grabbed the lion-headed door knob and pulled open the heavy oak door. The first thing she saw in the darkness was a pair of familiar green eyes staring back at her.

"Hello," a rusty voice said, "I've been waiting for you."


End file.
